Coming full circle

After a wonderful Mother's Day weekend with my family, I couldn't help but contemplate my mom and how she raised us. There were many times growing up that I didn't understand the things my mom said and did, but now that I'm a mom the appreciation I have for those things has grown immensely.

The things that I once thought she did because she didn't understand me couldn't be further from the truth. Armed with all this motherly knowledge and perspective on life, I couldn't help but get a little emotional.

The highs and lows of parenting are never easy and everyone goes through it. Even our parents that seemed so out of touch with reality go through it. And for the record, I've realized the only person that was out of touch with reality was me. I was the typical teen that thought they knew it all. I've always had a smart mouth and I know there were times that my mouth and the words that came out of it were downright hateful to my mom. Looking back, my mom did what she did out of love and wanting what was best for me. This is exactly what I do for my boys.

I know there will be times that they will think the same thing about me, and I can only hope that they have the same revelation as I did one day. There have been many times that I've called my mom worried, angry, stressed, or happy about something one of the boys did and needed her advice on it. Sometimes I can hear her smiling through the phone as she explains to me that this is just phase and will pass soon. Never has she thrown my upbringing in my face, and I must admit I admire her for that. I can only hope I act the same way when the boys call me after they've started their own families.

I've made it a point to let my mom know how appreciative I am to her and how sorry I am for all the stress and angst I put her through. And in true mom fashion, she's assured me it was all worth it. I love this new relationship we have and I wouldn't trade it for the world. It's a little startling when you realize you've come full circle with any parent. When a once fuzzy memory becomes crystal clear and you see things from a different view. I  hope everyone gets to experience this with their parents.

I guess the point of this post is to say we should appreciate our moms (and dad's) every day of the year, not just one. It's crazy how much of my mom comes out in me in my daily interactions with the boys. I love it because I feel like, in that, other generations in my family are coming out too. I never met my grandmother (on my mom's side) but I'm sure some of her is coming out in me as it did in my mom. It helps me appreciate how far I've come in life and know how far I have to go. And through this journey, I'm glad I have my mom by my side. After all, she's the only one that loved me at first sight with an unconditional love that only mom's know. For this, I'm eternally grateful.

Four!!!

Every year I write a letter to my boys on their birthday to help preserve the year in our memories and to see how far they've come. Evan just turned four so below is his fourth birthday letter.

Evan,

They say time flies when you are having fun, and this couldn't be more true with you. This past year has been a blast and the joy you bring to our family's life is immeasurable. I can say with utmost certainty you are a little boy and not the little baby you once were. Your wild imagination and funny comments on life bring a fresh perspective to our everyday living. I've seen you grow into a caring and loving son, brother, and friend and I can't tell you enough how proud I am of you.

Some of your favorite things are:

• Anything superhero. You especially love Batman, but if there is a good guy out there that fights crime and stands for justice you love them.
• Mac-and-cheese. You could eat this every day for every meal and be just fine.
• Baseball. You love to play the game and watch it with your daddy. You also love to tell us how you are going to play for the Rangers one day.
• Legos, especially the superhero lego sets. I love how you want me to build them for you so you can play with them and set up imaginary scenarios in your head of how they all play together.
• Your evening show after your bath and before bed, and the "snack plate" that goes with it.
• Reading. You've always loved story time and with each year that passes your love for it grows. You've now memorized your favorite books, and love to "read" them to daddy and me.
• Your cousins, Anthony and Braden. You light up when you are around them and can't get enough of them.
• Putting all of the pillows from the couch on the floor and then jumping into them while acting out what you would do to the "bad guys" if you were batman.
• Friday's with Nana. You live for Friday's when you get nana all to yourself and you guys do cool things like garden or go to story time at the library. You always ask, "How many more days until nana's going to get me?" Even if you just left her house.
• Chuck E. Cheese. If you could live at one of the locations you would.

One of my favorite things to do is to sit back and watch your wild and creative imagination play things out. I've lost count of the number of times you've made me laugh before bed telling me how you are batman and all the acrobatics you do while acting out your pretend scenarios. I also love how you tell me you are a big boy now and that you "got this" when I try to help you put on your shoes or get in the car. I also love how literal you are and the hilarity that ensues from that. My favorite was the time you asked me if you could go up and visit with the man in the moon and take him a snack with such sincerity I didn't have the heart to tell you it was only a figure of speech.

And even though you are getting to be a big boy you still love to snuggle and give us hugs and kisses. My heart grows each time that you follow up a simple "I love you" with a "So MUCH!" You and Logan have created this bond that involves a special language that only the two of you understand. You love to play hard and fight hard with him and I can see the lasting bond between the two of you that I always wanted.

I'm amazed at how smart you are and how much you want to learn. From writing your name to counting to 100 you are always surprising me with your new found knowledge. I know you are going to do big things in life and be awesome at them!

I look forward to what the next year holds, as I know it will be as amazing as you are!

I love you my little buggie, E-weezy, bubba boo!

Mommy

 

Happy to be Four

 

Having fun at your favorite place Chuck E Cheese with one of your favorite people, Braden

Showing off one of your Lego creations

Brotherly Love

When I found out we were having a second boy my mind filled with images of my two boys hugging, playing nicely together, sharing a brotherly bond over a bowl of ice cream while birds sang in the back ground. There may have even been the song "My Best Friend" by Tim McGraw playing in the background. To say that reality has been anything but that would be an understatement.

From the moment we brought Logan home Evan made it very clear he was not as happy to be a big brother as we thought he would be. In fact, one situation that will remain engrained in my memory forever took place a month after we welcomed Logan into the world.

After a couple of days/weeks in a row of Logan crying (he had colic, something that left us all on edge) Evan decided he couldn't take it anymore. As I was in our master bath getting ready for my first dinner out with friends since having a big juice (a nickname one of my nurses in the hospital gave to Logan because of the sheer size of him). I had Logan on the bed propped up on pillows and he was crying as usual. I was trying the best I could to get ready and tend to him and Evan, when all of sudden everything went quite. I peeked my head around the corner to see if Logan had cried himself to sleep when I saw Evan holding a pillow over his head. I freaked out and lunged/jumped/physical flew over to the bed to get the pillow off Logan's head. I was so freaked out that I screamed at Evan and asked him what he thought he was doing. To which he replied "I was making him stop crying!"

I didn't find this funny at the time (I instantly had visions of the Good Son bouncing around in my head), but now I can look back and laugh.

I wish I could say that Evan's dislike for his brother stopped there, but it didn't. As the months went by Evan would conjure up new ways to torture Logan. From taking away his bottle while he was drinking it, to throwing his beloved blankie across the room as he was cuddling with it, to pushing him down when he started to walk. As you can imagine, this kind of behavior stressed me out to no end. I read countless articles, books, and blogs over it and ever talked to our pediatrician about it. All of which yielded the same result; boys will be boys and eventually the will love each other.

After countless nights of crying, wine, and grey hairs I'm starting to see a shift in their relationship. They are starting to really play together. Evan will say that he wants Logan to come with us on errands, and just the other day he told me Logan was one of his best friends (picture my heart bursting into a million little happy butterflies). Evan even took up for Logan the other day when he was in the middle of one of his temper tantrums and told me to leave Logan alone and then tried hugging him.

Don't get me wrong, they still fight and I still feel like a referee half the time but the tables are turning.

As the images of brotherly love slowly creep back into my head, but on a much more real level I can't help but think boys will be boys and they will love each other the rest of their lives.

Evan showing Logan where he really wishes he'd stay

Brotherly Love

This Too Shall Pass

Wow! I realize it's been awhile since I've written a post, but to say life has been a little on the chaotic side would be an understatement. For awhile there I was in survival mode. Enduring one illness after another since Thanksgiving (yes, you read that right I did say Thanksgiving) in my family. With strep, ear infections, sinus and upper respiratory infections, the flu, and a stomach bug ripping through my household like a tornado it's been crazy. Throw the holidays and the craziness at work with the New Year kicking off in there, I haven't really had the time or energy to sit down and write.

As we went from one bad thing to another, I couldn't help but feel upset and bitter. Maybe it was the sleepless nights? or the umpteenth time I walked from downstairs up to the boys bedrooms to rock them back to sleep? Or the thrown food on the floor after I had cooked their favorite food to try and tempt them to eat? Or the temper tantrums that ensued because they didn't know the words to tell me how bad they felt? Or the fact that I seemed to catch every illness they got so I was feeling run down too?

Whatever the reason was it left me with a short fuse and a bunch of unanswered why's. Why I thought this parenting thing was a good idea? Why I was getting the short end of the stick? Why did the boys only want me when they were sick and not their dad? Why did I feel this angry?

Then it hit me, this isn't about me or the sickness or the lack of sleep. It was about feeling helpless and my desire to protect my family and not being able too. I couldn't help but have my mom's words ring in my ears louder than ever "This too shall pass." When she had told me that before I dismissed it as another stupid saying, but for some reason it all made sense to me now. And it turns out she was right, it did pass. After many tears and rounds of antibiotics we all started to feel better, and all my angry feelings went away. They were then replaced by guilt over my irrational thoughts, but that is something I deal with everyday. I think as a parent that loves and cares for their children, you can't help but have irrational thoughts. So the next time you start to feel angry and question a stage you are in life that isn't the most pleasant, just remember this too shall pass.

 

 

The flu didn't stop this little boy from opening presents
 

Candy canes always make you feel better

 

Stop the madness!!

Since I've become a mom three years ago, I've noticed some things that make me want to pull my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs STOP THE MADNESS! Although there a several things that will spark this kind of teeth gritting behavior in me it all boils down to one thing. JUDGMENT.

What do I mean by that, you may ask? Let me explain.

I recently had a lively conversation, and by lively I mean an argument, with a family member who thought it was ridiculous that I let my boys sleep and nap schedule determine how we run our day. They felt that we shouldn't let their schedule run our lives and that we are the adults so we should say when and where things take place. Um, Have you seen a tired three year old lately?! Do you know how a one year old acts when they are ready for bed when you are out running errands?! It's not a pretty picture. I admit, I have always been a nap Nazi but I've found that this can be a good thing to my family's well being and those around me. Besides being completely taken aback and offended, what I really couldn't believe was that they were trying to judge me on how I parent my children.

And it doesn't just stop there with family; I was out and about with my three year old one day and told him if he behaved in the store he could pick out a pack of gum when we were checking out. I'm not above using bribery to get things done. I don't do it all the time, but I do use it as one of my many parental arsenals to get things done. As I finished up my hour long grocery trip and was waiting in the checkout line, I told my son to pick out his gum for being so good (as a side note any mom with a toddler will testify that shopping for an hour with their toddler without a break down is almost a miracle). When the lady behind me felt the need to speak up and told me I was setting my son up for bad behavior down the road and that it should be expected that he behave while out in public. Excuse me? Who are you? I didn't know I was standing in the judgment lane.

I could go on and on with things I've heard and witnessed, but honestly I don't have the time and neither do you. My point is what happened to the parental camaraderie? To the idea of supporting and lifting each other up because WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE. Who am I to tell another person the best way to parent their child? And what happened to the notion that every child is unique with different likes, dislikes, and hot buttons?

For some reason I had this grand idea in my head that once I became a mom that I would be part of this exclusive parenting club where we all helped each other out, celebrated milestones and achievements, and above all else supported one another. Maybe I'm the naive one to want and thrive for this type of support? I'll admit that before I became a mom I would judge other parents and make those stupid false promises that my kid would never act this way or that, but that was before I knew the reality of what being a parent entailed. And believe me some of those stupid promises I made have come back to bite me in the butt, especially the one about not having a picky eater. Boy was I the foolish one!

The reason for this post was not to get on a soap box (even though I know I have), but to urge everyone to support the parents around you. If you see a parent using bribery tricks to get their kids to behave, applaud them because it's really for you to have a better experience when out and about, not them. If your friend shows up late to a get together because her kids were finishing up a nap, pat her on the back instead of being annoyed she wasn't there on time. Believe me your visit with them will go so much better. Most of all lift up your fellow parents and know they are trying to be the best parent they can be to the kids God gave to them. I'm telling you, it will feel amazing!

Life with Boys

Before I had my two boys I didn't have a clue what they were like. I had ideas on what life might be like with a boy of my own, but none of them came close to the real thing.

So, now if you were to ask me what life with boys is like I would tell you:

·     It's a life full of nonstop energy that only knows two gears; full speed ahead and sleep.

·     It's a life of wrestling matches that can start just by asking "Do you want to play?"

·     It's a life that is ruled by Power Rangers, Dino Dan, Sponge Bob, and Diego

·     It's a life that breathes sports in every possible way imaginable. And one that said sport game can start up at any time. Like when you are trying to have them help you clean up toys and a bubble wand becomes a bat and the legos are the ball :)

·     It's a life where bodily functions are hysterical, especially if it's them doing it. I can't tell you the number of times that a fart or the word fart has make my oldest son belly laugh till his sides hurt.

·     It's a life where you have to toss any germ-a-phobia's out the window because they will touch, bring, and poke all things gross. I won't even go into the time Evan thought the dog poop in the backyard made a good play toy.

·     It's a life of kisses and hugs when you least expect it, and usually when you need them most.

·     It's a life of playing pretend good guy vs. bad guy, and making guns out of any object you can grab even if you NEVER let them watch anything with guns or play with guns.

·     It's a life of duplo and Lego blocks and seeing who can build the tallest tower with them only to knock it over and start again.

·     It's a life of little messes all over the house because being dirty is part of their ingrained spirit.

·     It's a life of only wanting their mom's to fix and kiss their boo boos or to snuggle them when they are sick.

·     It's a life of pillow fights. Lots of them!

·     It's a life of checking the toilet seat before you sit on it because you never know if they remembered to pick up the seat before using it themselves.

·     It's a life of broken toys because they don't quite understand what being gentle means.

·     But most importantly it's a life of amazement, wonder, and love.

Words can't describe the pride and joy I feel being a mom to two boys, and learning that what I thought I wanted wasn't even close to the reality of what I needed. I am happy I'm a mom to boys and wouldn't want it any other way!

 

What our "real" family pumpkin patch photo looks like

Playdough fun with my oldest. I managed to sneak in a little girly play by getting a baking playdough kit.

Outdoor fun with my youngest.

Affirmation

My sister just had a baby, not to mention the family's first girl! To say I am over the moon about my niece would be an understatement. I was able to spend the weekend with my family and get in the quality snuggle time I so craved with a baby girl. Aside from the typical conversations that go along with a new mom like how they are doing, how the baby is sleeping, and what the labor and delivery was like one conversation resonated with me so much that it inspired this blog post. What is it you may ask? Affirmation that as a parent you are doing the absolute best you can for your child.

I know this may seem like a no brainer, but after having a tearful conversation with my sister. I realized how much we NEED those affirmations.

I can't tell you the number of times I have second guessed myself and my parenting (often multiple times a day). The number of times I've felt so confused and lost in this crazy world of parenting that I've wondered if I'm really cut out to be a mom. And to be really honest (which has been my promise to you from the beginning) the times I've wondered if my boys would be better off in life with a different mom. Gasp! I know, I hate to even say those words out loud, but they come from a place of pure deep unconditional love where I only want the best for my boys. And those thoughts usually start to swirl around in my mind when I feel like I'm letting them down or not living up to my full mom potential.

We can be quick to compare ourselves to other moms, to the Hollywood version of parenting, or even the pinterest expectations that we put on ourselves. As much as I hate it, it's the truth and can really mess with one's mind.

As I sat and talked with my sister this weekend, I started to see a glimpse of myself in her. The part of me that questions my every parenting move and I wanted to desperately put her mind at ease. I started telling her all the things she was doing right and how blessed my niece was to have her as a mother, and that God had planned all along for her to be the only mom to my niece. Before I knew it we were both crying. Not tears of hurt or anger, but tears of joy. It's amazing how one kind word can change your outlook on life, and how much we crave the affirmation that we are doing the best we can.

So for all you mom's and dad's out there that are giving it your all out there, keep it up! You are an amazing parent that God specifically designed for your child.

For all the middle of night wakings because your child had a bad dream, or wet the bed, or had a Charlie horse, or just needed a hug. You are awesome!

For the morning struggles of getting the kids out the door and all the craziness that comes with it. You are a super parent!

For the unexpected phone calls from daycare when your child is sick and the helplessness you feel while holding them trying to comfort their fever or cough away. You are a warrior!

And for all those amazing moments in between that make life with kids wonderful, you are the reason for them!

From one parent to another, I think you are doing the best job you can and I affirm you!

 

My beautiful niece, Jaasiel. Love at first sight!

 

 

The First of Many

I wanted to keep the tradition of posting a letter to my baby's every year on their birthday, to celebrate their milestones and life. Even though this is now two weeks late, here it goes.....

Logan,

I cannot believe you are one already! They say time flies when you are having fun, and that is exactly what we've been having! This year has been filled with amazing moments that have made my heart grow exponentially and it's all because of you!

From the very beginning when daddy and I found out we were pregnant with you, you have been our little miracle baby. You came at a time that we needed you most and I can't imagine our lives without you. I knew we would have a special connection, when the doctor placed you in my arms after you were born and you grabbed onto my finger and squeezed it tight and snuggled right into my arms.

Since I knew what to expect with you things seemed easier. That's not to say you didn't have your ups and downs. Starting off with a 24 hour stint in Children's Medical Center three days after you were born for a severe case of jaundice. Although we were beyond terrified you showed us then that you were a fighter and that you were ready to take life by the horns and live it. This also probably explains why you didn't want to sleep through the night until you were well into your 7 month of life.

Those moments awake with you during the day and night proved to be a wonderful bonding experience. I learned that you loved to be rocked and sang too. Your favorite song was and still is "You are My Sunshine". And to this day when I sing it, you instantly get calm. I also learned early on not to come between you and your food, and that you were going to be an all natural type of guy. You hated formula and preferred the real deal of mommy's milk. At times your appetite seemed insatiable, but it helped us bond even more. This proved to be a good thing when it came time to start solids, when you decided to bypass pureed food and go straight to the real thing. Your favorite time of the day is still meal time, and you are proving that there are kids out there that aren't picky and that will eat anything (except for broccoli).

You are a happy baby, and the smile you give to everyone you meet is heartwarming. You love to laugh, especially at Rocco, the family dog. Your favorite activities are listening to music, dancing, and splashing around in whatever type of water source you are in.

You have proven the tale that the second born does everything faster than the first born. And I mean EVERYTHING! You were putting weight on your legs at a week old, holding your head up by 2 months, doing the army crawl by 5 months, and cruising around the house holding on to things by 6 months! You even caught your first cold at a month old (which totally freaked me out). You were saying your first words at 7 months and meaning them (of course they were dada and nana, but momma came soon after).

You are our go-with-the-flow baby, the never met a stranger type of person, and as long as you have a remote control, phone, or a toy car you are set. You have shown me that love has no boundaries and can grow to levels that I never thought were possible. You are a momma's boy through and through (which I love most).

I love the way you shriek with delight when you see me after I've been away for awhile. Or the way you call Rocco by just sounding out the 'k' constant. Or the way you play with my necklace when I'm rocking you to sleep. I also love how you adore your big brother Evan (even when he isn't so nice) and hold his arm when you're watching Jack's Big Music Show with him.

From your big toothy grin to your tiny little toes, everything about you is amazing! I'm looking forward to what the next year brings and seeing you morph into a little boy.

I love you to the moon and back!

xoxoxoxo,

Mommy

 

Enjoying your first birthday cake

 

Your smile is contagious

 

Enjoying the Aquarium for your birthday

Coming to terms with milestones

With Logan turning one this Friday, I'm having a hard time coming to terms with this milestone. I know that might sound silly as I've gone through it before with Evan, and most parents are thrilled they survived the first year. And while all that is good and true, it also means that I no longer have a baby in the house.

It means that my snuggle sessions will start to diminish over the next couple of months to almost nothing (have I mentioned before that boys are constantly on the move?!?). It means that round two of the terrible twos are right around the corner. And that sweet baby smell that lingers in their hair no matter how dirty they get will soon be gone. It means that this will be my last year of firsts forever.

I've decided that we are perfect as a family of four and I don't want any more kids. Plus, my mind just can't wrap itself around having 3 boys in the family (because that would be what would happen if we tried for number three). And as much as I love my two beautiful sometimes angelic boys, this momma can't take any more testosterone in the house!

There are a lot of things I've come to appreciate with Logan that I didn't with Evan. I've relished in the tiny details that I often overlooked with my first. The way Logan fits in my arms when I'm rocking him at night and stares at me like I'm his whole world. Or how everything and I mean EVERYTHING has to go in his mouth for him to fully take it in. Or the way he smiles every time I walk in the room to get pick him up from his crib, to the way he rambles on in his baby language every night before he goes to sleep. The way his toes wrap around my fingers when I'm putting lotion on him. How he loves to play drop and see with his cup (and if you don't know what that is, it's when they drop their cup off their highchair to "see" if you'll pick it up). And how much he enjoys long walks in his stroller and waves to the cars as they go by. How every meal somehow winds up all over his face and hair and the joy that being that messy brings him.

I know the next year will bring with it its own memories and experiences that I will cherish, but there is something about that first year. So fresh, so new and so in awe with the world around them.

I can't say this past year has been a piece of cake or that I have this parenting thing down, but I can say that Logan has taught me to love deeper, to have more patience, and that I can multi-task with the best of them.

So for all my mommy friends out there, savor the small things in life because they add up to be big things when we look back. And here's to hoping I can keep it together as Logan blows out his first birthday candle this weekend.

 

11 months and loving it

My cutie

Adult Temper Tantrums

I'm almost too embarrassed and ashamed to admit this, but I had a full blown adult temper tantrum last night. And the worse thing about it was it was directed at Evan. A three year old, that I may have scarred for life! In all seriousness though, I wanted to come clean about my behavior because as parents we can have melt downs too!

I had the kind of day yesterday that made me envision walking in the door when I got home from work, grabbing the closest wine or liquor bottle and drinking said drink straight from the bottle. Screw a glass or a mixer, I needed something to numb the day's stress away and way to release all of the built up frustration and anger. Everything I did yesterday seemed to go wrong, and it didn’t end at work. I walked in the door after getting off work, only to be greeted by a crying baby and Evan yelling at me to go away (talk about making me feel welcome)! As I tried to calm both boys, John walked up behind me and kissed me goodbye so he could go meet up with boys for a night of baseball and beer. Needless to say, my stress level was through the roof and the night had only just begun.

I was thankful I was smart enough to have dinner going in the Crockpot so I at least I didn't' have to mess with that. As any parent will tell you a hungry child equals a cranky child, and I had two of them on my hands. As I made our plates up to put them on the table, Evan kept telling me he didn't want what I was putting on his plate, and instead he wanted Mac and Cheese. After the third time I ignored his request, he decided to get up and throw his cup of milk across the room. Which meant that the next 20 minutes was a wrestling match on keeping him in time out and trying to tame melt down number two of the night. This all took place while Logan was crying because I dared to go in the other room without him.

After we got all got through dinner, and I say that loosely as I still don't think any of us really ate, I thought we could all benefit from a walk. I went out in the garage to find that the double stroller wasn't there (it was in John's trunk). Which cued melt down number three to start with Evan. I tried convincing him we could still have fun in the backyard but he wasn't hearing it, and was melting down even more the more I tried to reason with him. Being the parent of two young boys, when one kid starts crying it usually isn't long until the second kid starts crying. So guess what happened next? Logan started to lose it too. Can you say fun times at the Chilcoat household ?!?

After I corralled the boys back into the house and got them semi interested in their toys I sat down on the floor to take a moment to regroup. I think I spaced out for a minute or two (probably day dreaming about the big glass of wine I was going to pour after they went to bed) when I hear Logan shriek in pain and start to bawl. I'm talking the kind of cry that every other sob is silent. Not a good thing! I look up to find Evan standing over him with a big Tonka trunk that he had obviously just whacked him with on the head. And that is the moment that I lost it! There was screaming, crying, and lots of foot stomping going on and it wasn't by the kids. It was all me!

It was not my finest moment of being a mom. In fact, I hated the look I saw in Evan's eyes over my moment of insanity. His look is what snapped me out of my craziness and I had enough sense about me to walk out in the backyard for a breath of fresh air and let it all out. In that one moment I cried like a little girl. The ugly, no holds bar cry that makes your whole body shake. Partly from my bad day, partly from feeling like a horrible mom, and partly because of guilt over my temper tantrum.

I pulled myself together walked back in the house and immediately called Evan over to me and apologized. I hugged him so tight I was afraid I was going to squeeze all the air out of him. But, a cool thing happened in that moment. Evan understood me and hugged me back equally as tight and told me he was sorry. Sorry for being a bad boy and sorry I had a bad day. In that moment, I felt the unconditional love that I have showered on him from day one coming back at me and it made everything in my world seem ok.

So, I write this post to let you know it's ok to break down every now and then with your kids. We are all human and we are all doing our best. Just keep chugging along and loving your kids with all your heart and it will all work out. And don't forget to keep a bottle of your favorite drink on hand for everyone's sanity ;)

Legacy

This weekend a known Dallas DJ, Kidd Kraddick, passed away and it has rocked my world more than I ever thought it would. Although I didn't know him personally, I felt like I did because I listened to his show every single morning on the way to work. Since moving to Dallas 9 years ago, his show has made me laugh even on mornings I didn't feel like laughing let alone smiling. I feel like he's been with me through a lot of my life's chapters. From being a college graduate and having my first real job to moving into our first home to both of my maternity leaves. I knew I could count on Kidd Kraddick in the Morning to offer a fun and fresh look on life. He was a wonderful man that did so much for the community. His big passion was helping out terminally ill kids and making sure they had a life memory by hosting a annual trip to Disney World for the kids and their family.

The sudden death got me thinking about my life and what impact I've had on those around me. What legacy would I leave behind? How have I made life better for those that I have come in contact with? And ultimately, how would I be remembered? It's made me realize that I could and need to do more for the community. I need to be involved in something that gives back. I've been blessed with an amazing life so far, and I often take it for granted. I want to be a positive role model for my kids, so they want to give back as they get older. I want to live my life so that when Evan and Logan think of fairness and integrity, they think of me. The only way to do that is to lead by example.

I've participated in several community service days through my work, and I always leave feeling good about myself and those around me. There is something about helping others out without expecting anything back in return. I love the feeling so much that I often pay for the person behind me coffee at Starbuck's on Friday, telling the drive through agent to tell them to have a great day and to pay it forward.

However, the few days here and there and paying for someone's coffee isn't enough. If you have any suggestions on charities or non-profit businesses that are near and dear to you, I'm all ears. Let's all leave a positive mark in this world for our children and society!

R.I.P Kidd Kraddick

Mental Snap Shots

The older my boys get the more I realize how quickly time goes by and the more I try to desperately find a way to slow down time. I look back over the past three years since becoming a parent and can't believe how quickly time has gone by.

Any lingering baby qualities have totally gone in Evan. He is talking great, is 100% potty trained, and doesn't even sit in a booster seat at the table anymore. He also reminds me daily that he can do everything by himself and doesn't need my help. It's a little sad and hard to slowly let go so he can become a young man. I already find myself reminiscing about how things were when he was younger.

So, when I do have these moments that he is my baby again, I force myself to take a mental snapshot and store it in my brain forever. For instance last night when I was laying with him in his bed after I had tucked him in as we do every night, I couldn't help but notice how angelic he looked. His childhood innocence radiating around him. The mom in me wanted to squeeze him and tell him how much I love him and these moments like this. Instead I just laid there staring at my angel and taking it all in. I reminded myself to take a mental snapshot because one day even this little tradition would be something of the past.

I also find myself doing the same thing with Logan. I can't believe that we are almost through the first year of his life. I feel like he is growing up even faster than Evan did. And although I still have some baby time left with him, I know it's like sand through an hour glass and pretty soon he's going to be a little boy and no longer my baby. Whether it's rocking him to sleep, watching him discover something new or learning a new milestone my brain is frantically taking mental snap shots of it all.

I know we have a ton of new memories before us, but right now I just want to pause time and relish in the current moment.

The way Logan squeals in delight when I walk in the room after being gone at work all day or the way he plays with my necklace at night to help him nod off to sleep. Or the way Evan's eyes light up when I yell pillow fight as he scrambles for a pillow or how when I tell him I love him so much, he gives me a dimpled smile back and says "so much!" To some people this may seem trivial and small, but to me it's everything and so are they!

Something tells me letting go and letting them find their own way will never get easier, so as we go through each age and stage you can be certain that my brain will continue to take these mental snapshots that I'll treasure forever!

Enjoying Mother's Day at the park with my boys

 

A backyard picnic with my babies

10 months and counting

That cheesy grin gets me every time

Getting my sea legs

I think one of the biggest misconceptions people have is that after your first baby you got the parenting thing down. For some things I agree wholeheartedly with this train of thought. You don't stress as much over the little things. You understand that when your baby cries it's usually because he or she is hungry, tired, has a dirty diaper, or just wants to be picked up (it's not that you are a horrible parent). You also know what to expect the second time around like the sleepless nights, feeding schedules, and how different your life is with kids.

Even with all this knowledge and experience from your first, when the second comes along it can be a whole new ball game. Each pregnancy is even different. For example, when I was pregnant with Evan I felt like some gave me a dose of happy pills. I loved everything about my pregnancy and how I felt. It was complete opposite with Logan. I had morning sickness, a bad case of pregnancy hormones and couldn't wait to be unpregnant.

That should have been my first clue as to how different two babies' can be. Evan was a laid back baby and everything seemed to come easy for him. He was sleeping through the night at 10 weeks. His laid back attitude to life even carried through to his milestones and how he hit them. He was perfectly content having us carry him everywhere (hence the reason he didn't start walking until he was 16 months old). All he had to do was whimper or look at something and I jumped up to get it for him (yet another reason he was delayed on his speech and didn't start really talking until after his 2nd birthday). At the time I stressed about it all. I mean EVERYTHING! In reality, having this laid back baby for our first was exactly what John and I needed. Especially if we were ever going to entertain the thought of baby #2.

As soon as John and I started feeling like we had this parenting thing down, we decided to try for baby #2, and soon after we welcomed Logan into this world. Logan has turned what we thought we knew on its head. From birth, he has been a mover and a shaker. Sleep was only something that hindered him,  which meant many restless nights of John and I taking turns to walk up to his nursery to attempt to get him to go back to sleep. He has been blowing by milestones left and right. Crawling and cruising sooner, starting solids earlier, and although we can't make out what he is saying the boy is a talker! He has also showed us that it is possible for your heart to grow even more and the love you have for your children to deepen.

At first it was really hard to adjust to having two children under the age of 2. The days of resting when the baby rest were over. Anyone with a toddler knows they only have two gears; high speed and sleep. I also found I got less help with Logan because people figured I had it taken care of being a second time parent. Couple the endless energy of a toddler with the sporadic sleep schedule of a newborn and less help and you are left with one disoriented, frazzled momma (that would be me)! Juggling two kids was hard. REALLY HARD! As the months went by I kept thinking it would get easier, but as with life the only thing that happened was things got busier. I was now juggling two babies, work, being a wife, housework, and trying to keep friendships up with those I cared about. 

Of course the good days outnumbered the bad (they always do), and I couldn't imagine my life without my two boys. But it took me almost 10 months to finally get my parenting sea legs. I'm now sleeping through the night (thank goodness for sleep training), I can make dinner, change a diaper, hold the baby, and play a mean game of pack the trunk.

Having two kids has changed my outlook on everything, and it's definitely made me more compassionate to parents with more than one kid (I don't even want to know how parents of more than two kids do it!) I'm content with my family of 4 and even more content that the fog is starting to clear and I'm feeling like myself again.

Letting Go

One of the hardest things I deal with being a mom of two is the stress of everyday life. I have a type-A personality where I feel like I have to plan and organize everything in my life. It is my biggest strength (it's what I do for a living) and my biggest weakness. I have a hard time letting go and just letting things be. The saying "go with the flow" drives me nuts! I'm not a go with the flow kind of gal. With two kids under the age of 5, I feel like I have to plan out our weekends, our trips out, our week nights, EVERYTHING! I find planning helps make things go smoothly and helps me be prepared for whatever life might throw at us when we are going about our everyday lives.

The problem with this incessant need for me to plan is it brings a level of stress to my life that I could do without. I'm always thinking about what could go wrong and how I can fix it, which when I take a step back and think about it means I'm looking at the glass as half empty, instead of half full. And who wants to be that person? Not me. My ah-ha moment came to me this past weekend when I was stressing about having both boys by myself while John played at a all day softball tournament. For days, I thought up a plan of how I could keep my rambunctious three year old busy, while trying to keep my 9 month old on his schedule. I was exhausted just thinking about it all. Then Saturday came around and my first plan of the day came shattering down around me (which was a leisurely stroll on a walking trail to get some of Evan's energy out) when Evan insisted we go out in the back yard and play water wars and basketball. My first thought was, "how am I going to do this all while holding Logan (he's in the clingy stage right now where all he wants is for me to hold him)"?

To my surprise Logan and Evan both loved getting in on the water gun action and they were both belly laughing the entire time, and I wound up having a great time too. My afternoon plan also didn't pan out when Evan decided to take a 3 hour nap (score!) which allowed me to have some extra one on one play time with Logan. Later that evening when we were at the park my heart grew when Evan came up and told me how much fun he had that day. The day when none of my plans worked but instead I just went with the flow. It made me stop and think about how many of life's moments I had been missing out on because they didn't fit into "my plan". How much undue stress I was bringing into my life because I have a tendency to look at the here and now instead of the big picture. It was an ah-ha moment for me and one that has brought about a new life motto I am going to try my best to live by. Let go and let God take over!

I think this will bring about a more fun, less stressed, more loving me. And to be honest I need that new me, my boys need that new me, and my husband needs that new me. I know it will take a lot of hard work to undo what my brain is hard wired to do, but I'm making a conscious effort going forward. Starting with a daily alarm that goes off on my phone during the week days at 5:30p (when I get home) and weekends at 7:30a (when we usually start the day) stating my new motto. I'm also going to let weekends happen as they may and rein my planning instinct in.

Here is to a new way of thinking, being and living! Letting go and letting God take over!

Under Pressure

When I had my first baby boy I had grand plans to breastfeed him until he was a year. My body on the other hand had a different idea and at 7 1/2 months decided it was done with it. So, when I had my second son two years later I decided that I was going to give it another shot and try and shoot for the year mark. This time it's gone great, and I'm still going strong at 8 1/2 months. The problem I'm facing now is feeling the pressure from everyone else to stop.

There are a couple of reasons I don't want to. The first one being that the health benefits that Logan gets from me making the sacrifice far outweighs the cons. The American Pediatric Association recommends breastfeeding at least up until the first year of life and sometimes after. Don't worry I don't plan on being the crazy lady that is still nursing their 5 year old. A year is all I'm trying to shoot for.

The second being the bond that I share with Logan over it is something I treasure. It's the one thing that only I can do with him, and it serves as a quite time for both of us. I also know that this is my last baby and it's a little harder for me to give it up knowing this.

The third reason is because Logan has not taken to formula well. Which I don't blame him because it looks and smells horrible. When he does drink it, I have to buy the more expensive ready mixed kind and mix it with the breast milk. Then he either gets constipated or an upset stomach (poor thing takes after John in the stomach department). So, know this I feel AWFUL when I give him formula and mommy guilt instantly sets in. I have enough things in life that gives me mommy guilt and since I can control this one it makes the guilt even worse.

I didn't feel this outside pressure from everyone with my first son, so it's baffling to me why I'm getting it the second time around. It's not something that interferes with anyone else and really only effects Logan and I. I've learned quickly that everything is different with your second child, but if there is one thing I wish was the same if the level of support I got with the first one.

So, I guess my purpose for writing this is to free myself from the pressure and to let those reading this to support your mommy friends on whatever breastfeeding stance they decide to take! I promise knowing someone is in their corner will make a world of difference to them!

 

Three is the age to be!

I know I haven't posted on here in a LONG time, but to say that life has been busy would be an understatement. However, I didn't log on today to go into those reasons. I wanted to log on to type up my annual letter to Evan on his birthday (though admittedly I'm even behind on that!). My baby boy is THREE! Which still has me scratching my head wondering where has the time gone!?!

Anyway, I wanted to keep up with this tradition so that one day he can lovingly look back on here and know that there hasn't been a minute, hour, day, birthday, year that's gone by that I haven't been utterly and completely enamored and in love with my sweet little Evan!

Evan,

I think this has been your best year yet! I've seen you grow and develop so much that you have now moved on from being my wide eyed baby to my curious, intelligent, marvelous little boy.

This past year has brought on so many changes that I almost don't know where to start. You started daycare a.k.a school and I swear you are the brightest boy there. You love going to school and being with your friends, learning colors, shapes, letters, and numbers and using what you've learned in everyday life. Your desire and love to read has only grown, and I have to say it makes my heart sing since I too love to read. You have the alphabet mastered and will randomly start singing the ABC song when the mood strikes. You can count all the way to 20 without missing a number and you know your colors of the rainbow like nobody's business. You're favorite thing to do at night is to read me or daddy a story which I love too. You've somehow managed to memorize all your favorite books and can almost site the words on the page perfectly.

The biggest obstacle you've overcome is potty training! And to be honest you also started and did this on your own initiative much to my surprise. Although, we are still trying to work on your favorite place to pee which is outside on a tree or bush. I blame your daddy for teaching you this habit, but it is cute none the less.

You are also talking in complete sentences and you're favorite things to say are:

"What is that mommy?"
"I want to do it"
"Little brother is crying"
"I love you too Mommy/Daddy"

You also have to sing "Take Me Out To the Ballgame" every night before bed. Which is a testament to how much you love baseball! You have your own tee ball set in the backyard which you want to play every day. You also love going to daddy's softball games and cheering for him as he rounds the bases.

You had a bit of a rough adjustment when your little brother was born and came into the family, but you are now the best big brother ever! You love to help feed, play, and wash Logan's bottles and you love him with all your heart. I can already tell that you will be a protective big brother by the way you carefully watch anyone that comes close to him. You are also very close to your cousins Braden and Anthony and you idolize everything they do. Your dad and I are still the center of your world, and we can't get enough of your dimpled smile and your big ol' bear hugs. You love to wrestle with daddy and squeal in glee when the tickle monster comes out (who happens to look a lot like me)!

Every day you become more independent and want to explore the world on your own terms.

I couldn't be happier or more proud to be your mom and can't wait to see what this next year brings.

I love you scooter buggy!

xoxoxo,

Mom

 

The Best Stage Yet

I've realized that I've let my pregnancy consume this blog, and I haven't written a post on my favorite little man in my life in a long time. I feel like Evan is changing so much these days that I'm going to miss something, so I want to be sure to capture all these changes or as many as I can.

Before having a child of my own, I would hear parents say that whatever stage/age their child was in it was the best one yet. I never really understood that until I had Evan and I can now say with no doubt that this age/stage that he is in is the best one yet!

Every day Evan is saying and doing something new that just blows my mind. Granted, I am his mom so even the little things blow me away, but they are still wonderful and shows me and those around him his laid back and funny personality. Awhile back I wrote about how I was worried that Evan's verbal skills were lacking and that I couldn't wait for him to start talking with us. Boy has that changed! He is talking more and more every day and putting entire sentences together. I know this is part of a child's developmental growth, but to hear my own son tell me things like "I want to go outside and swim" or "I'm done eating. I want down" or my favorite "I love you mommy" is mind blowing. For over a year I felt like verbal communication was a one way street and now to hear Evan interacting and answering my questions is fantastic! I feel like we've broken new ground and able to explore a whole new world. It also gives me more insight into Evan's personality. He is a huge jokester and likes to see the element of surprise on your face when he gets you with one of his jokes. For example, his favorite thing to do when you're tickling or play wrestling is to fake cry and as you go to pick him up or see if he's ok he starts laughing as hard as he can and then tackles you. Who knew a 2 year old could master the art of a fake out so well? I know I didn't!

I'd say one of the most awesome things that Evan is doing right now is potty training himself. Yep, you read that right....he is potty training HIMSELF! At Evan's 2 year check up his doctor told me to not start potty training yet as boys are usually slower to master it and if you start too young it could have negative effects. So, I decided to heed this advice and made a mental note to revisit it closer to him turning 3. One day we were hanging out in living room playing and Evan turns to me and says I have to go potty. Huh? I thought, but immediately took him into the bathroom where he promptly went potty. Thinking this was a fluke, but also praising him all night, I didn't think about it again. As the weeks went on, he got better at telling us when he had to go potty and he's now at a 50/50 success rate, which in my book is fantastic! Granted most of the time he wants to go #1 outside (thanks to John) so I feel a little weird opening the door to the backyard and "letting him out" like we would the dog, but hey whatever works right?!? He's also getting better at going #2 (in the potty thank goodness) although with not as much success rate as #1. I think a lot of this potty training comes from seeing his peers at daycare use the restroom, but the fact that he's put two and two together and wants to do it too shows how smart and determined he is. I'm hoping that this will continue and by the time he is 3 he'll have mastered the bathroom all on his own. Again, who would have known that I would have been blessed with such a determined smart little boy!? <----------yes I realize that's a proud mom talking.

Another thing that amazed me about Evan lately is how I can reason and explain things to him. Granted, I have to break things down to his level and he still has his moments of throwing temper tantrums. But, for the most part I can explain things and he'll take it in stride and tell me "ok, mommy" and move on with his day. I know he got this laid back trait from John and I'm so glad he did. He's also starting to understand feelings and have empathy for people. For example when I tell him that he can't pull on our dog, Rocco's, tail because it hurts him he'll get up and go hug Rocco and tell him he's sorry. One of the cutest things that I don't think I'll ever forget happened just the other day. I was sitting on the couch with my feet elevated because they were so swollen, and he came over and wanted me to get on the floor to play. I told him I would in 5 minutes but I need to rest for a second because my feet hurt. He then went down by my feet kissed and patted them. Talk about melting my heart!

I could go on and on with other examples and things that Evan is doing right now that amaze me, but those are the major changes that have really blown me away. And as I've heard other mom's say, this is the best stage yet and I can't wait to see what the next one brings!

My little cutie showing off those adorable dimples

Evan on his favorite ride at Chucky Cheese

Hot tub cutie

Logan's Nursery

One of the many great things about having a baby is getting to decorate the nursery. And since I had full reign this go around with Logan's nursery, since John got his sports nursery the last time, I must say I'm beyond pleased with how it turned out. I wanted something that wasn't too babyish and semi modern. The idea for this room hit me when I was singing one of my favorite songs to Evan one night "You are my Sunshine". I wanted to base the room off of that song by using grey and yellow as the main colors, and my favorite trend right now the chevron print which reminds me of sunlight beams. I was able to find almost everything I got online, and through Etsy (the best website for unique finds around!)

A pic of the bedding and wall shelf

Another pic of the bedding and framed prints which are the lyrics to "You Are My Sunshine"

My favorite part of the nursery the tree wall mural. You can also see the cute chevron changing pad cover I was able to find. 

Another pic of the wall mural. If you look really hard you can see the custom art work I ordered for Logan which has a yellow chevron background and in grey lettering it says "L is for Logan Lane"



Below are the links for everything I ordered for Logan's nursery in case you see something you like :)

Bedding- JoJo Designs. I was able to find the exact same bedding on ebay for half the cost http://www.maternityandbabyshoppingmart.com/zig-zag-yellow-and-gray-crib-bedding-set-by-jojo-designs.aspx

Tree wall mural- Etsy. http://www.etsy.com/listing/62716227/wall-decals-baby-nursery-decor-shelving

Changing Pad- Etsy. http://www.etsy.com/listing/98486852/build-your-own-chevron-contour-changing

You Are My Sunshine Prints- Etsy. http://www.etsy.com/listing/89878669/on-sale-40-off-you-are-my-sunshine

L is for Logan Lane Print- Etsy. http://www.etsy.com/listing/102667077/personalized-monogram-print-all-color?ga_search_query=yellow%2Band%2Bgray

Zig Zag Shelf- Pflatzgraff. http://www.pfaltzgraff.com/Zig-Zag-Wall-Shelf/5042851,default,pd.html?utm_source=googleshopping&utm_content=pfaltzgraffshopping&utm_campaign=googleshopping&tmcampid=23&tmad=c&tmplaceref=GGL&tmclickref=5042851&CAWELAID=930979478

Stuffed owl and bird. Etsy- http://www.etsy.com/listing/104368943/large-yellow-and-gray-plush-bird-yellow