Now that I am back at work and away from Evan for 12 hours a day, the guilt of being a working mom is starting to kick in. I only get to spend a couple of hours with him at night after I get home before he starts getting tired and I have to put him down to bed. Sometimes I don't even get 2 hours with him depending on how tired he is. This breaks my heart because I just want to sit and cuddle with him all night long. I feel like I'm not being a good mom if I don't spend time with him.
During the day John and his mom send me pics of him playing or hanging out and it tugs at my heart strings. I want to be the one that is home with him making him smile for the camera. I almost feel a twinge of resentment that they are spending time with my son and I'm not. Growing up my mom seemed to always put work before us and I still feel the burn of that. I wanted her to come to my games or to my school's get togethers, but she always had to work. Of course the older I got the more I understood she only did that to give my sister and I the best life possible. I don't remember ever wanting for anything material wise, but I did want my mom and sometimes I couldn't have that. I made a vow to myself that I would never let my kids feel that way and in a way I feel like I'm already breaking that vow. Can you be a working mom and still be there for your kids? I know a lot of moms do it, but I don't want to miss a thing!
On the drive home tonight from work I got a call from John saying that Evan had learned to roll completely over. This is a big milestone (I know there are many more to come) and I missed it. I don't know why, but I actually teared up when I found out about it. On one hand I was happy he learned this new feat, and on the other I was sad I wasn't there to witness it for the first time. Instead, I had to settle with seeing it via the video recording John took of him doing it. How many other firsts am I going to miss because I am at work?
There are also times when I do get home from work and I go to say hi and kiss and hug Evan and he will either ignore me or start crying. I know babies can be finicky, but it breaks my heart. Is he forgetting who I am because I'm gone so long during the day? Can he already get upset with me that I'm not around? Will he love his nana more than me since he sees her every day? These are the crazy questions that go through my mind when I'm feeling this working mom guilt trip. I don't like feeling this way, but I keep telling myself I'm bettering my family's life and that one day when Evan's older he will understand. It still hurts and I still feel like a big bag of poop about it. I keep saying I need to win the lottery, so I'm going to keep playing it. Then I can love on and spend as much time as I went with E and not have one guilty feeling.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Oh Where Oh Where Has All The Fun Gone?
As most of you know John went out of town this weekend to San Antonio for a coaches convention. I know there is some sort of learning going on, but really its just an excuse for all the coaches in Texas to get together and have fun. That fun usually comes in the form of alcohol on the river walk or on the golf course, which is fine, but I started thinking about the last time I had fun and couldn't even recall the last time I just let loose. I'm talking about the kind of fun that when you wake up the next day you have to replay the events back in your head to make sure you didn't forget anything. The kind of fun where you don't have a care in the world and you feel fancy free.
I understand that now that I'm a mom that kind of fun won't be as often as it was before Evan, but I'm still young and I still want to have fun. Cindy Loper even had it right when she said, "Girls just want to have fun!" I then started thinking that even if I did have the opportunity to have fun, could I really?? One of the major down falls to breast feeding is you still have to watch what you eat and drink. So, I have to ask myself if that one drink really worth pumping and dumping for. Most of the time the answer is no. I also have to ask myself is it worth the headache the next morning when Evan is demanding all of my time and energy and the answer again is no.
Now that I'm back at work I'm also struggling with finding the energy to stay awake past 10 o'clock. I'm constantly calculating the number of hours of sleep I can get if I go to bed at a certain time each night. Which that math alone usually makes me nod off. I remember in college when I could get by on 4 hours of sleep, and often did, and felt fine the next morning. When did I turn into this old woman that cares about the number of zz's I catch?? I'm really hoping things get easier and my energy comes back to me and I can hang out til midnight on the weekend.
I wouldn't mind one night a month though when I can look no in the face and tell it to get lost because I'm going to have fun. I might have to make that my mission. So anyone that wants to join me for my night of fun let me know. Keep in mind you might have to nudge me a time or two to keep me awake, but I will try to hang like I used to.
I understand that now that I'm a mom that kind of fun won't be as often as it was before Evan, but I'm still young and I still want to have fun. Cindy Loper even had it right when she said, "Girls just want to have fun!" I then started thinking that even if I did have the opportunity to have fun, could I really?? One of the major down falls to breast feeding is you still have to watch what you eat and drink. So, I have to ask myself if that one drink really worth pumping and dumping for. Most of the time the answer is no. I also have to ask myself is it worth the headache the next morning when Evan is demanding all of my time and energy and the answer again is no.
Now that I'm back at work I'm also struggling with finding the energy to stay awake past 10 o'clock. I'm constantly calculating the number of hours of sleep I can get if I go to bed at a certain time each night. Which that math alone usually makes me nod off. I remember in college when I could get by on 4 hours of sleep, and often did, and felt fine the next morning. When did I turn into this old woman that cares about the number of zz's I catch?? I'm really hoping things get easier and my energy comes back to me and I can hang out til midnight on the weekend.
I wouldn't mind one night a month though when I can look no in the face and tell it to get lost because I'm going to have fun. I might have to make that my mission. So anyone that wants to join me for my night of fun let me know. Keep in mind you might have to nudge me a time or two to keep me awake, but I will try to hang like I used to.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Back in the Saddle Again
After 12 weeks of maternity leave, I returned to work this week. At first I was feeling very indifferent about going back. The thought of leaving Evan for the day brought tears to my eyes every time I thought about it. Just when things were getting easier and I was finding my groove with him, I had to head back out into the working world. John and I were having such a good time hanging out with the family and really enjoying summer break. But as the saying goes all good things must come to an end.
My first day back was really hard. I cried while feeding E that morning and the entire way into work. I had to redo my make-up in the car before I even walked in to my office. My sadness was soon replaced by comfort. I work with some of the most amazing people and they were genuinely happy I was back. It felt great to be with my girls again and everyone seemed very welcoming. John even brought Evan up to work for lunch that day, so the day wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. On the drive home that night, I felt a lot better about returning into the working world.
The next day when I was getting ready for work, I didn't cry when feeding Evan and only got choked up a little bit when I had to leave. The day seemed to fly by at work and I was starting to feel like the old me. Before I was trying to figure out my role as a mom, and I only felt like a mom. I felt like I had lost the other parts of me, as weird as that sounds. The rest of the week went by faster than I thought, and by the middle of the week I could leave for work in the morning without choking up at all.
I'll admit there are some things that are definitely different than they were before Evan. Like getting up at 5:30a. Before I would sleep as late as I possibly could and get up around 7:15a. I do feel like I can get more done by getting up early and I'm starting to enjoy the little things that I wouldn't have noticed before. Like the way the first rays of sun come through the blinds in the morning, how fantastic the first sip of coffee is, and how silence really is golden in the house before the hum of the day begins. My absolute favorite thing about the mornings is the way Evan smiles at me with his big gummy grin when I lean over his crib to pick him up.
Pumping at work has also been challenging. I have to make myself get up from my desk to do it, and with my job that isn't always the easiest thing to do. I'm in a profession where you have to be available at all times and things can go from calm to hectic in the blink of an eye. I feel weird getting up with my back pack, that my pump is in, two times a day and going down two flights of stairs to the wellness room to pump in a room that is so cold I feel like my milk is going to freeze on contact.
I don't like the fact that I only get two hours at night to love on my angel during the week, but it makes getting off work that much sweeter. I find myself racing home so I can see his face light up when he sees me. And those two hours are the best couple of hours out of my day. It also makes the weekends that much sweeter.
Even though I wish I didn't have to go back to work because I would love nothing more than to spend my days with Evan, it does feel good to be back in the saddle again.
My first day back was really hard. I cried while feeding E that morning and the entire way into work. I had to redo my make-up in the car before I even walked in to my office. My sadness was soon replaced by comfort. I work with some of the most amazing people and they were genuinely happy I was back. It felt great to be with my girls again and everyone seemed very welcoming. John even brought Evan up to work for lunch that day, so the day wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. On the drive home that night, I felt a lot better about returning into the working world.
The next day when I was getting ready for work, I didn't cry when feeding Evan and only got choked up a little bit when I had to leave. The day seemed to fly by at work and I was starting to feel like the old me. Before I was trying to figure out my role as a mom, and I only felt like a mom. I felt like I had lost the other parts of me, as weird as that sounds. The rest of the week went by faster than I thought, and by the middle of the week I could leave for work in the morning without choking up at all.
I'll admit there are some things that are definitely different than they were before Evan. Like getting up at 5:30a. Before I would sleep as late as I possibly could and get up around 7:15a. I do feel like I can get more done by getting up early and I'm starting to enjoy the little things that I wouldn't have noticed before. Like the way the first rays of sun come through the blinds in the morning, how fantastic the first sip of coffee is, and how silence really is golden in the house before the hum of the day begins. My absolute favorite thing about the mornings is the way Evan smiles at me with his big gummy grin when I lean over his crib to pick him up.
Pumping at work has also been challenging. I have to make myself get up from my desk to do it, and with my job that isn't always the easiest thing to do. I'm in a profession where you have to be available at all times and things can go from calm to hectic in the blink of an eye. I feel weird getting up with my back pack, that my pump is in, two times a day and going down two flights of stairs to the wellness room to pump in a room that is so cold I feel like my milk is going to freeze on contact.
I don't like the fact that I only get two hours at night to love on my angel during the week, but it makes getting off work that much sweeter. I find myself racing home so I can see his face light up when he sees me. And those two hours are the best couple of hours out of my day. It also makes the weekends that much sweeter.
Even though I wish I didn't have to go back to work because I would love nothing more than to spend my days with Evan, it does feel good to be back in the saddle again.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Evan's birth story
I wanted to blog about Evan's birth day so I don't forget the chain of events or how I felt, plus I figured it would be something we could both look back on and smile about.
It all started on April 17th, which was a Saturday. I woke up with what I thought was really strong Braxton Hicks contractions. Before the "fake" contractions felt like a muscle spasm in my stomach and didn't really hurt at all. That morning and the rest of the day was completely different. The pains were in my lower stomach and they hurt. In fact some of them hurt so bad I had to stop and breathe through them. Some even made me cry which I chalked up to being emotional and being ready to have my big boy. The contractions lasted all day Saturday and it made it hard for me to do anything. In my birthing class I learned that you shouldn't go to the hospital until the labor pains were 5 minutes apart and mine were so sporadic ranging from 30 minutes to 5 minutes apart. I later found out from my doctor that I was in actual labor and sometimes labor can be a week process!
Then on April 18th, Sunday morning, I woke up about 5:30a to go to the bathroom. On my way to the bathroom, I felt a trickle of water onto my leg. Since I was half asleep I thought, "did I just pee on myself?" Then I walked a couple more feet and felt another trickle. I went to the bathroom and was walking back to the bedroom and felt yet another trickle. It suddenly hit me that my water had broke. I turned on the light and excitedly said to John, "MY WATER JUST BROKE!!!" John in his sleeping stooper opened his eyes and just looked at me. It then hit him what I had just said and he jumped out of bed and repeated back to me "YOUR WATER JUST BROKE?!!?". We both took a shower and I excitedly put the last remaining things in my hospital bag. I barely remember the drive to the hospital. I had so many thoughts going through my head. Would this hurt? Would I be able to deliver my baby ok? What was my son going to look like? Will my mom make it up from Houston in time? We got to the hospital and entered through the emergency room. Since I had already pre-registered it didn't take the nurse long to admit me and have me wheeled back to a delivery room. Even though I had been in a delivery room a few months earlier when I had been admitted for my kidney infection the room seemed different to me. It looked, smelled, and felt different. My water had continued to break as well which I didn't know could happen. I kept feeling small trickles which the nurse explained would happen until I gave birth.
The nurse had me change into a hospital gown right away and they started hooking me up to machines to monitor me and the baby. They also put this belt looking contraption around my stomach to measure my contractions, which later on would amuse and scare me. The doctor also checked me and said I was at a 2. When the nurse walked out of the room for a minute I remember looking at John with a big grin and saying this is it! We are going to finally meet our son today! We both stared at each other with big goofy grins on our face until the nurse walked in. She commented she hadn't seen such a happy patient in a long time which made me wonder why?? After about an hour the nurse came back into the room and said they were going to start me on pictocin soon to speed up my labor and help me dilate more. The concern of having your water break is bacteria and germs getting to your baby since they don't have the protective bubble around them any more. That little bit of news kind of freaked me out because I didn't know what to expect. Plus, I was worried doing that would make it so I had to get a c-section which I didn't want. Three more hours went by and I was starting to really feel the contractions. I wanted to go as long as I could before asking for the epidural so it didn't slow down labor or wear off.
Finally, about five hours into it I broke and asked for the anesthesiologist to come and give me some drugs. It took about another 45 minutes before he arrived and started to administer the epidural. They explained to me what they would be doing and how they were going to give me the epidural. One thing that surprised me that I didn't know, was the epidural remains in your back for the rest of your labor. The anesthesiologist told John that if he was going to stay in the room while he gave it to me he would have to sit down because he's had too many dad's pass out on him from seeing the needle. Needless to say this really freaked me out! The nurse had me lean forward and hug my pillow and count to five. I expected to feel this excruciating pain, but I didn't. It felt like a little pinch and before I knew it the doctor was done. He explained to me how to push the button if I started feeling pain and the machine it was attached to would deliver more pain medicine. Sweet! I thought. It took about 30 minutes for the epidural too kick in but once it did I didn't feel any more pain. I watched the machine they had hooked up to my stomach and watched as one contraction after another was going off the screen. Another weird thing about the epidural that they don't tell you, is it completely immobilizes your legs. I couldn't feel or move my legs. It was the weirdest feeling ever!
Another 2 hours into it and I was dilated at about a 6 and holding. They decided to bump up the dose of pictocin my body was getting to help move things along even faster. Shortly after they did this I started feeling the contractions again. It was like I didn't even have an epidural in. I kept pushing the button, but no pain relief. I must say I give BIG kudos to the women that deliver all natural with no pain medicine because these contractions hurt like a mother. It felt like something was twisting my stomach inside of me and I could barely catch my breath when a contraction hit. I asked the nurse for more pain medicine and she called the anesthesiologist in again. He finally came into the room about 30 minutes later and said he was going to make a special concoction up just for me. He did his magic, mixed his potions and 30 minutes later I wasn't feeling a thing. I am really glad the pain medicine started to wear off when it did, because after the stronger medicine started to kick in I moved quickly into the last stage of labor. My contractions were back to back and were so strong my stomach stayed tensed and felt really hard to the touch. Before I knew it the nurse said I was at a 10 and I could start pushing. I can't explain how I was feeling at that moment. I was excited to finally get to meet our son but I was scared out of my mind not knowing what to expect.
The room then filled up with nurses and the bed I was laying in was being transformed into a birthing bed. The bottom half of the bed was taken away, handles magically appeared on the side of the bed, and foot stirrups were inserted at the end. The nurse then explained to me how to push and said that most new mom's push anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours! I was determined not to push that long so I got down to business right away. I was surprised at how hard pushing was on my breathing. You basically push for 10 long seconds rest 5 seconds and then push for another 10. I had a really hard time holding my breath that long and not feeling like I was going to pass out. It was also a lot more exhausting that I had thought. John was an excellent coach and supporter and my delivery nurse was amazing. After about 30 minutes I heard the nurse say he's almost here go get the doctor! I couldn't believe it! I was about to see my son for the first time and I couldn't wait! When the doctor finally got in the room, it was only a second later and John Evan Chilcoat was born at 6:19p weighing 9 pounds 12 ounces and was 22 inches long. As the nurses cleaned him up, I couldn't quit crying because of how happy I was. The best feeling in the world was when they laid him on me for the first time and I got to hold my son. His cries were music to my ears and John and I just embraced our son while we both cried tears of joy. He was healthy and finally here and I was in love.
The next few hours seemed to slow down and I laid in bed staring at this beautiful boy we created. It is hands down the most amazing experience and feeling I've ever felt.
It all started on April 17th, which was a Saturday. I woke up with what I thought was really strong Braxton Hicks contractions. Before the "fake" contractions felt like a muscle spasm in my stomach and didn't really hurt at all. That morning and the rest of the day was completely different. The pains were in my lower stomach and they hurt. In fact some of them hurt so bad I had to stop and breathe through them. Some even made me cry which I chalked up to being emotional and being ready to have my big boy. The contractions lasted all day Saturday and it made it hard for me to do anything. In my birthing class I learned that you shouldn't go to the hospital until the labor pains were 5 minutes apart and mine were so sporadic ranging from 30 minutes to 5 minutes apart. I later found out from my doctor that I was in actual labor and sometimes labor can be a week process!
Then on April 18th, Sunday morning, I woke up about 5:30a to go to the bathroom. On my way to the bathroom, I felt a trickle of water onto my leg. Since I was half asleep I thought, "did I just pee on myself?" Then I walked a couple more feet and felt another trickle. I went to the bathroom and was walking back to the bedroom and felt yet another trickle. It suddenly hit me that my water had broke. I turned on the light and excitedly said to John, "MY WATER JUST BROKE!!!" John in his sleeping stooper opened his eyes and just looked at me. It then hit him what I had just said and he jumped out of bed and repeated back to me "YOUR WATER JUST BROKE?!!?". We both took a shower and I excitedly put the last remaining things in my hospital bag. I barely remember the drive to the hospital. I had so many thoughts going through my head. Would this hurt? Would I be able to deliver my baby ok? What was my son going to look like? Will my mom make it up from Houston in time? We got to the hospital and entered through the emergency room. Since I had already pre-registered it didn't take the nurse long to admit me and have me wheeled back to a delivery room. Even though I had been in a delivery room a few months earlier when I had been admitted for my kidney infection the room seemed different to me. It looked, smelled, and felt different. My water had continued to break as well which I didn't know could happen. I kept feeling small trickles which the nurse explained would happen until I gave birth.
The nurse had me change into a hospital gown right away and they started hooking me up to machines to monitor me and the baby. They also put this belt looking contraption around my stomach to measure my contractions, which later on would amuse and scare me. The doctor also checked me and said I was at a 2. When the nurse walked out of the room for a minute I remember looking at John with a big grin and saying this is it! We are going to finally meet our son today! We both stared at each other with big goofy grins on our face until the nurse walked in. She commented she hadn't seen such a happy patient in a long time which made me wonder why?? After about an hour the nurse came back into the room and said they were going to start me on pictocin soon to speed up my labor and help me dilate more. The concern of having your water break is bacteria and germs getting to your baby since they don't have the protective bubble around them any more. That little bit of news kind of freaked me out because I didn't know what to expect. Plus, I was worried doing that would make it so I had to get a c-section which I didn't want. Three more hours went by and I was starting to really feel the contractions. I wanted to go as long as I could before asking for the epidural so it didn't slow down labor or wear off.
Finally, about five hours into it I broke and asked for the anesthesiologist to come and give me some drugs. It took about another 45 minutes before he arrived and started to administer the epidural. They explained to me what they would be doing and how they were going to give me the epidural. One thing that surprised me that I didn't know, was the epidural remains in your back for the rest of your labor. The anesthesiologist told John that if he was going to stay in the room while he gave it to me he would have to sit down because he's had too many dad's pass out on him from seeing the needle. Needless to say this really freaked me out! The nurse had me lean forward and hug my pillow and count to five. I expected to feel this excruciating pain, but I didn't. It felt like a little pinch and before I knew it the doctor was done. He explained to me how to push the button if I started feeling pain and the machine it was attached to would deliver more pain medicine. Sweet! I thought. It took about 30 minutes for the epidural too kick in but once it did I didn't feel any more pain. I watched the machine they had hooked up to my stomach and watched as one contraction after another was going off the screen. Another weird thing about the epidural that they don't tell you, is it completely immobilizes your legs. I couldn't feel or move my legs. It was the weirdest feeling ever!
Another 2 hours into it and I was dilated at about a 6 and holding. They decided to bump up the dose of pictocin my body was getting to help move things along even faster. Shortly after they did this I started feeling the contractions again. It was like I didn't even have an epidural in. I kept pushing the button, but no pain relief. I must say I give BIG kudos to the women that deliver all natural with no pain medicine because these contractions hurt like a mother. It felt like something was twisting my stomach inside of me and I could barely catch my breath when a contraction hit. I asked the nurse for more pain medicine and she called the anesthesiologist in again. He finally came into the room about 30 minutes later and said he was going to make a special concoction up just for me. He did his magic, mixed his potions and 30 minutes later I wasn't feeling a thing. I am really glad the pain medicine started to wear off when it did, because after the stronger medicine started to kick in I moved quickly into the last stage of labor. My contractions were back to back and were so strong my stomach stayed tensed and felt really hard to the touch. Before I knew it the nurse said I was at a 10 and I could start pushing. I can't explain how I was feeling at that moment. I was excited to finally get to meet our son but I was scared out of my mind not knowing what to expect.
The room then filled up with nurses and the bed I was laying in was being transformed into a birthing bed. The bottom half of the bed was taken away, handles magically appeared on the side of the bed, and foot stirrups were inserted at the end. The nurse then explained to me how to push and said that most new mom's push anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours! I was determined not to push that long so I got down to business right away. I was surprised at how hard pushing was on my breathing. You basically push for 10 long seconds rest 5 seconds and then push for another 10. I had a really hard time holding my breath that long and not feeling like I was going to pass out. It was also a lot more exhausting that I had thought. John was an excellent coach and supporter and my delivery nurse was amazing. After about 30 minutes I heard the nurse say he's almost here go get the doctor! I couldn't believe it! I was about to see my son for the first time and I couldn't wait! When the doctor finally got in the room, it was only a second later and John Evan Chilcoat was born at 6:19p weighing 9 pounds 12 ounces and was 22 inches long. As the nurses cleaned him up, I couldn't quit crying because of how happy I was. The best feeling in the world was when they laid him on me for the first time and I got to hold my son. His cries were music to my ears and John and I just embraced our son while we both cried tears of joy. He was healthy and finally here and I was in love.
The next few hours seemed to slow down and I laid in bed staring at this beautiful boy we created. It is hands down the most amazing experience and feeling I've ever felt.
Feeling the contractions, and they HURT!
The hard part of labor, pushing!
Getting cleaned up by the nurses
holding my sweet angel for the first time
A Whole New World
Its been awhile since I last blogged, but I have a good reason for it. I finally had my sweet baby boy! The feeling and experience has been like no other. I absolutely love being a mom and I am so deeply and utterly in love that I don't think there are words in the English dictionary that can express how much I love my son. This new world of parenthood is teaching me something new every day, things that I never knew I would experience or learn. Like how to swaddle a baby like a pro in 30 seconds flat or the art of burping a baby so he doesn't turn into a screaming lunatic 20 minutes after he eats. I've discovered new joys in life that melt my heart like no other. The way Evan smiles at me every morning when I pick him up out of his crib or the way he stares at me like I'm his whole world. With the joy and happiness has also come worries and sadness. I worry about when my son gets older what this world will be like and how I can protect him against all that is bad. Sadness because I want him to stay my little baby, sweet and innocent forever, but knowing that is not possible. I'm also more emotional now. I can't watch a baby being born or a news story about children being mistreated without tearing up. I tear up telling Evan how much I love him because the feeling and emotion is so strong he will never fully understand my love.
With the birth of our son a new family dynamic has been born, that John and I are still trying to figure out. All of our time and energy goes to our son, so figuring out where our time together and our personal time comes together is still a learning situation for both of us. Evan has brought me closer to John and has deepened my love for him. Even if we pick at each other more now, I know its all out of love and that we created the most amazing thing God can give two people.
Being a mom is definitely a whole new world, but I love this world and all that is in it. As the days go by I'm learning who I am as a mom and I look forward to what each day brings me. Today its been the joy of seeing my son pull up into a sit up as he grabs me hands and smiles at me when he does get himself into a sitting position. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.
With the birth of our son a new family dynamic has been born, that John and I are still trying to figure out. All of our time and energy goes to our son, so figuring out where our time together and our personal time comes together is still a learning situation for both of us. Evan has brought me closer to John and has deepened my love for him. Even if we pick at each other more now, I know its all out of love and that we created the most amazing thing God can give two people.
Being a mom is definitely a whole new world, but I love this world and all that is in it. As the days go by I'm learning who I am as a mom and I look forward to what each day brings me. Today its been the joy of seeing my son pull up into a sit up as he grabs me hands and smiles at me when he does get himself into a sitting position. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.
John Evan Chilcoat
I could kiss on his dimples all day long
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