I thought a long time about whether or not I should post this blog entry, but decided that it would be therapeutic and help hold me to the promise I made myself when I first started writing this post....to keep it real on all accounts. So, here it goes.....
It's been said that when God closes one door, he opens another one for you. I've heard that time and time again, but never really had to come to terms with it until a couple of months ago. I was pregnant with what would have been our second child, when 7 weeks into it I miscarried. It was a traumatic time in my life and one that took months to come to terms with. Only our family and close friends knew about it, and even having their support I felt alone and depressed. I blamed myself for what happened, and even though in my heart of hearts I knew it wasn't my fault. There was still a piece of me that thought I was somewhat responsible.
John and I found out I was pregnant on my birthday (surprise!) and instead of the initial ecstatic reaction I had when I found out I was pregnant with Evan, my mind went from being happy to panic mode. Was this the right time? How would Evan take the news? Do I have enough love for this second child since I love Evan so deeply? Crazy thoughts I know, but I have to think every parent has some of those questions bouncing around in their head when they find out about the second pregnancy. Those questions came back to haunt me after I miscarried. Did God hear those questions and decide we weren't ready to be parents again? Did my body sense that stress and go into abortion mode? After the day I miscarried I hated myself for asking those questions and would have given anything to be pregnant again. The miscarriage also came at a time when everyone around me, I felt like, was announcing their pregnancy news. I was thrilled for these people, but it was also like a knife through my heart. A constant reminder of what I didn't have.
After months of wallowing in my sorrow and reminding myself that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what that reason is; I pulled myself up by my boot straps and decided not to let it consume any more of me. I looked around at the things that God had blessed me with. A fantastic and supportive husband, a perfect baby boy, a great job, a roof over my head, great friends, and the list goes on and on. I started to focus on the positives in my life and things got better.
So much better that John and I are expecting our second child September 8th! Things were a little different this time around when we found out I was pregnant. I was cautiously optimistic. I didn't let myself get too excited until I saw the baby on the first ultrasound and heard his/her heart beat. We decided not to tell anyone about the news, which killed me, and wait until I was completely out of the danger zone of the first trimester. When I did finally see our baby, all John and I could do was cry. They were happy, relieved tears, and all my concerns and worries seemed to melt away. I looked at that first ultrasound a couple times a day after that doctor appointment just to remind myself it was real.
So, now that I've fully come to terms with what John and I went through I couldn't agree more with the saying, "When God closes one door, he opens another".
