Coming full circle

After a wonderful Mother's Day weekend with my family, I couldn't help but contemplate my mom and how she raised us. There were many times growing up that I didn't understand the things my mom said and did, but now that I'm a mom the appreciation I have for those things has grown immensely.

The things that I once thought she did because she didn't understand me couldn't be further from the truth. Armed with all this motherly knowledge and perspective on life, I couldn't help but get a little emotional.

The highs and lows of parenting are never easy and everyone goes through it. Even our parents that seemed so out of touch with reality go through it. And for the record, I've realized the only person that was out of touch with reality was me. I was the typical teen that thought they knew it all. I've always had a smart mouth and I know there were times that my mouth and the words that came out of it were downright hateful to my mom. Looking back, my mom did what she did out of love and wanting what was best for me. This is exactly what I do for my boys.

I know there will be times that they will think the same thing about me, and I can only hope that they have the same revelation as I did one day. There have been many times that I've called my mom worried, angry, stressed, or happy about something one of the boys did and needed her advice on it. Sometimes I can hear her smiling through the phone as she explains to me that this is just phase and will pass soon. Never has she thrown my upbringing in my face, and I must admit I admire her for that. I can only hope I act the same way when the boys call me after they've started their own families.

I've made it a point to let my mom know how appreciative I am to her and how sorry I am for all the stress and angst I put her through. And in true mom fashion, she's assured me it was all worth it. I love this new relationship we have and I wouldn't trade it for the world. It's a little startling when you realize you've come full circle with any parent. When a once fuzzy memory becomes crystal clear and you see things from a different view. I  hope everyone gets to experience this with their parents.

I guess the point of this post is to say we should appreciate our moms (and dad's) every day of the year, not just one. It's crazy how much of my mom comes out in me in my daily interactions with the boys. I love it because I feel like, in that, other generations in my family are coming out too. I never met my grandmother (on my mom's side) but I'm sure some of her is coming out in me as it did in my mom. It helps me appreciate how far I've come in life and know how far I have to go. And through this journey, I'm glad I have my mom by my side. After all, she's the only one that loved me at first sight with an unconditional love that only mom's know. For this, I'm eternally grateful.

Four!!!

Every year I write a letter to my boys on their birthday to help preserve the year in our memories and to see how far they've come. Evan just turned four so below is his fourth birthday letter.

Evan,

They say time flies when you are having fun, and this couldn't be more true with you. This past year has been a blast and the joy you bring to our family's life is immeasurable. I can say with utmost certainty you are a little boy and not the little baby you once were. Your wild imagination and funny comments on life bring a fresh perspective to our everyday living. I've seen you grow into a caring and loving son, brother, and friend and I can't tell you enough how proud I am of you.

Some of your favorite things are:

• Anything superhero. You especially love Batman, but if there is a good guy out there that fights crime and stands for justice you love them.
• Mac-and-cheese. You could eat this every day for every meal and be just fine.
• Baseball. You love to play the game and watch it with your daddy. You also love to tell us how you are going to play for the Rangers one day.
• Legos, especially the superhero lego sets. I love how you want me to build them for you so you can play with them and set up imaginary scenarios in your head of how they all play together.
• Your evening show after your bath and before bed, and the "snack plate" that goes with it.
• Reading. You've always loved story time and with each year that passes your love for it grows. You've now memorized your favorite books, and love to "read" them to daddy and me.
• Your cousins, Anthony and Braden. You light up when you are around them and can't get enough of them.
• Putting all of the pillows from the couch on the floor and then jumping into them while acting out what you would do to the "bad guys" if you were batman.
• Friday's with Nana. You live for Friday's when you get nana all to yourself and you guys do cool things like garden or go to story time at the library. You always ask, "How many more days until nana's going to get me?" Even if you just left her house.
• Chuck E. Cheese. If you could live at one of the locations you would.

One of my favorite things to do is to sit back and watch your wild and creative imagination play things out. I've lost count of the number of times you've made me laugh before bed telling me how you are batman and all the acrobatics you do while acting out your pretend scenarios. I also love how you tell me you are a big boy now and that you "got this" when I try to help you put on your shoes or get in the car. I also love how literal you are and the hilarity that ensues from that. My favorite was the time you asked me if you could go up and visit with the man in the moon and take him a snack with such sincerity I didn't have the heart to tell you it was only a figure of speech.

And even though you are getting to be a big boy you still love to snuggle and give us hugs and kisses. My heart grows each time that you follow up a simple "I love you" with a "So MUCH!" You and Logan have created this bond that involves a special language that only the two of you understand. You love to play hard and fight hard with him and I can see the lasting bond between the two of you that I always wanted.

I'm amazed at how smart you are and how much you want to learn. From writing your name to counting to 100 you are always surprising me with your new found knowledge. I know you are going to do big things in life and be awesome at them!

I look forward to what the next year holds, as I know it will be as amazing as you are!

I love you my little buggie, E-weezy, bubba boo!

Mommy

 

Happy to be Four

 

Having fun at your favorite place Chuck E Cheese with one of your favorite people, Braden

Showing off one of your Lego creations

Brotherly Love

When I found out we were having a second boy my mind filled with images of my two boys hugging, playing nicely together, sharing a brotherly bond over a bowl of ice cream while birds sang in the back ground. There may have even been the song "My Best Friend" by Tim McGraw playing in the background. To say that reality has been anything but that would be an understatement.

From the moment we brought Logan home Evan made it very clear he was not as happy to be a big brother as we thought he would be. In fact, one situation that will remain engrained in my memory forever took place a month after we welcomed Logan into the world.

After a couple of days/weeks in a row of Logan crying (he had colic, something that left us all on edge) Evan decided he couldn't take it anymore. As I was in our master bath getting ready for my first dinner out with friends since having a big juice (a nickname one of my nurses in the hospital gave to Logan because of the sheer size of him). I had Logan on the bed propped up on pillows and he was crying as usual. I was trying the best I could to get ready and tend to him and Evan, when all of sudden everything went quite. I peeked my head around the corner to see if Logan had cried himself to sleep when I saw Evan holding a pillow over his head. I freaked out and lunged/jumped/physical flew over to the bed to get the pillow off Logan's head. I was so freaked out that I screamed at Evan and asked him what he thought he was doing. To which he replied "I was making him stop crying!"

I didn't find this funny at the time (I instantly had visions of the Good Son bouncing around in my head), but now I can look back and laugh.

I wish I could say that Evan's dislike for his brother stopped there, but it didn't. As the months went by Evan would conjure up new ways to torture Logan. From taking away his bottle while he was drinking it, to throwing his beloved blankie across the room as he was cuddling with it, to pushing him down when he started to walk. As you can imagine, this kind of behavior stressed me out to no end. I read countless articles, books, and blogs over it and ever talked to our pediatrician about it. All of which yielded the same result; boys will be boys and eventually the will love each other.

After countless nights of crying, wine, and grey hairs I'm starting to see a shift in their relationship. They are starting to really play together. Evan will say that he wants Logan to come with us on errands, and just the other day he told me Logan was one of his best friends (picture my heart bursting into a million little happy butterflies). Evan even took up for Logan the other day when he was in the middle of one of his temper tantrums and told me to leave Logan alone and then tried hugging him.

Don't get me wrong, they still fight and I still feel like a referee half the time but the tables are turning.

As the images of brotherly love slowly creep back into my head, but on a much more real level I can't help but think boys will be boys and they will love each other the rest of their lives.

Evan showing Logan where he really wishes he'd stay

Brotherly Love

This Too Shall Pass

Wow! I realize it's been awhile since I've written a post, but to say life has been a little on the chaotic side would be an understatement. For awhile there I was in survival mode. Enduring one illness after another since Thanksgiving (yes, you read that right I did say Thanksgiving) in my family. With strep, ear infections, sinus and upper respiratory infections, the flu, and a stomach bug ripping through my household like a tornado it's been crazy. Throw the holidays and the craziness at work with the New Year kicking off in there, I haven't really had the time or energy to sit down and write.

As we went from one bad thing to another, I couldn't help but feel upset and bitter. Maybe it was the sleepless nights? or the umpteenth time I walked from downstairs up to the boys bedrooms to rock them back to sleep? Or the thrown food on the floor after I had cooked their favorite food to try and tempt them to eat? Or the temper tantrums that ensued because they didn't know the words to tell me how bad they felt? Or the fact that I seemed to catch every illness they got so I was feeling run down too?

Whatever the reason was it left me with a short fuse and a bunch of unanswered why's. Why I thought this parenting thing was a good idea? Why I was getting the short end of the stick? Why did the boys only want me when they were sick and not their dad? Why did I feel this angry?

Then it hit me, this isn't about me or the sickness or the lack of sleep. It was about feeling helpless and my desire to protect my family and not being able too. I couldn't help but have my mom's words ring in my ears louder than ever "This too shall pass." When she had told me that before I dismissed it as another stupid saying, but for some reason it all made sense to me now. And it turns out she was right, it did pass. After many tears and rounds of antibiotics we all started to feel better, and all my angry feelings went away. They were then replaced by guilt over my irrational thoughts, but that is something I deal with everyday. I think as a parent that loves and cares for their children, you can't help but have irrational thoughts. So the next time you start to feel angry and question a stage you are in life that isn't the most pleasant, just remember this too shall pass.

 

 

The flu didn't stop this little boy from opening presents
 

Candy canes always make you feel better

 

Stop the madness!!

Since I've become a mom three years ago, I've noticed some things that make me want to pull my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs STOP THE MADNESS! Although there a several things that will spark this kind of teeth gritting behavior in me it all boils down to one thing. JUDGMENT.

What do I mean by that, you may ask? Let me explain.

I recently had a lively conversation, and by lively I mean an argument, with a family member who thought it was ridiculous that I let my boys sleep and nap schedule determine how we run our day. They felt that we shouldn't let their schedule run our lives and that we are the adults so we should say when and where things take place. Um, Have you seen a tired three year old lately?! Do you know how a one year old acts when they are ready for bed when you are out running errands?! It's not a pretty picture. I admit, I have always been a nap Nazi but I've found that this can be a good thing to my family's well being and those around me. Besides being completely taken aback and offended, what I really couldn't believe was that they were trying to judge me on how I parent my children.

And it doesn't just stop there with family; I was out and about with my three year old one day and told him if he behaved in the store he could pick out a pack of gum when we were checking out. I'm not above using bribery to get things done. I don't do it all the time, but I do use it as one of my many parental arsenals to get things done. As I finished up my hour long grocery trip and was waiting in the checkout line, I told my son to pick out his gum for being so good (as a side note any mom with a toddler will testify that shopping for an hour with their toddler without a break down is almost a miracle). When the lady behind me felt the need to speak up and told me I was setting my son up for bad behavior down the road and that it should be expected that he behave while out in public. Excuse me? Who are you? I didn't know I was standing in the judgment lane.

I could go on and on with things I've heard and witnessed, but honestly I don't have the time and neither do you. My point is what happened to the parental camaraderie? To the idea of supporting and lifting each other up because WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE. Who am I to tell another person the best way to parent their child? And what happened to the notion that every child is unique with different likes, dislikes, and hot buttons?

For some reason I had this grand idea in my head that once I became a mom that I would be part of this exclusive parenting club where we all helped each other out, celebrated milestones and achievements, and above all else supported one another. Maybe I'm the naive one to want and thrive for this type of support? I'll admit that before I became a mom I would judge other parents and make those stupid false promises that my kid would never act this way or that, but that was before I knew the reality of what being a parent entailed. And believe me some of those stupid promises I made have come back to bite me in the butt, especially the one about not having a picky eater. Boy was I the foolish one!

The reason for this post was not to get on a soap box (even though I know I have), but to urge everyone to support the parents around you. If you see a parent using bribery tricks to get their kids to behave, applaud them because it's really for you to have a better experience when out and about, not them. If your friend shows up late to a get together because her kids were finishing up a nap, pat her on the back instead of being annoyed she wasn't there on time. Believe me your visit with them will go so much better. Most of all lift up your fellow parents and know they are trying to be the best parent they can be to the kids God gave to them. I'm telling you, it will feel amazing!

Life with Boys

Before I had my two boys I didn't have a clue what they were like. I had ideas on what life might be like with a boy of my own, but none of them came close to the real thing.

So, now if you were to ask me what life with boys is like I would tell you:

·     It's a life full of nonstop energy that only knows two gears; full speed ahead and sleep.

·     It's a life of wrestling matches that can start just by asking "Do you want to play?"

·     It's a life that is ruled by Power Rangers, Dino Dan, Sponge Bob, and Diego

·     It's a life that breathes sports in every possible way imaginable. And one that said sport game can start up at any time. Like when you are trying to have them help you clean up toys and a bubble wand becomes a bat and the legos are the ball :)

·     It's a life where bodily functions are hysterical, especially if it's them doing it. I can't tell you the number of times that a fart or the word fart has make my oldest son belly laugh till his sides hurt.

·     It's a life where you have to toss any germ-a-phobia's out the window because they will touch, bring, and poke all things gross. I won't even go into the time Evan thought the dog poop in the backyard made a good play toy.

·     It's a life of kisses and hugs when you least expect it, and usually when you need them most.

·     It's a life of playing pretend good guy vs. bad guy, and making guns out of any object you can grab even if you NEVER let them watch anything with guns or play with guns.

·     It's a life of duplo and Lego blocks and seeing who can build the tallest tower with them only to knock it over and start again.

·     It's a life of little messes all over the house because being dirty is part of their ingrained spirit.

·     It's a life of only wanting their mom's to fix and kiss their boo boos or to snuggle them when they are sick.

·     It's a life of pillow fights. Lots of them!

·     It's a life of checking the toilet seat before you sit on it because you never know if they remembered to pick up the seat before using it themselves.

·     It's a life of broken toys because they don't quite understand what being gentle means.

·     But most importantly it's a life of amazement, wonder, and love.

Words can't describe the pride and joy I feel being a mom to two boys, and learning that what I thought I wanted wasn't even close to the reality of what I needed. I am happy I'm a mom to boys and wouldn't want it any other way!

 

What our "real" family pumpkin patch photo looks like

Playdough fun with my oldest. I managed to sneak in a little girly play by getting a baking playdough kit.

Outdoor fun with my youngest.

Affirmation

My sister just had a baby, not to mention the family's first girl! To say I am over the moon about my niece would be an understatement. I was able to spend the weekend with my family and get in the quality snuggle time I so craved with a baby girl. Aside from the typical conversations that go along with a new mom like how they are doing, how the baby is sleeping, and what the labor and delivery was like one conversation resonated with me so much that it inspired this blog post. What is it you may ask? Affirmation that as a parent you are doing the absolute best you can for your child.

I know this may seem like a no brainer, but after having a tearful conversation with my sister. I realized how much we NEED those affirmations.

I can't tell you the number of times I have second guessed myself and my parenting (often multiple times a day). The number of times I've felt so confused and lost in this crazy world of parenting that I've wondered if I'm really cut out to be a mom. And to be really honest (which has been my promise to you from the beginning) the times I've wondered if my boys would be better off in life with a different mom. Gasp! I know, I hate to even say those words out loud, but they come from a place of pure deep unconditional love where I only want the best for my boys. And those thoughts usually start to swirl around in my mind when I feel like I'm letting them down or not living up to my full mom potential.

We can be quick to compare ourselves to other moms, to the Hollywood version of parenting, or even the pinterest expectations that we put on ourselves. As much as I hate it, it's the truth and can really mess with one's mind.

As I sat and talked with my sister this weekend, I started to see a glimpse of myself in her. The part of me that questions my every parenting move and I wanted to desperately put her mind at ease. I started telling her all the things she was doing right and how blessed my niece was to have her as a mother, and that God had planned all along for her to be the only mom to my niece. Before I knew it we were both crying. Not tears of hurt or anger, but tears of joy. It's amazing how one kind word can change your outlook on life, and how much we crave the affirmation that we are doing the best we can.

So for all you mom's and dad's out there that are giving it your all out there, keep it up! You are an amazing parent that God specifically designed for your child.

For all the middle of night wakings because your child had a bad dream, or wet the bed, or had a Charlie horse, or just needed a hug. You are awesome!

For the morning struggles of getting the kids out the door and all the craziness that comes with it. You are a super parent!

For the unexpected phone calls from daycare when your child is sick and the helplessness you feel while holding them trying to comfort their fever or cough away. You are a warrior!

And for all those amazing moments in between that make life with kids wonderful, you are the reason for them!

From one parent to another, I think you are doing the best job you can and I affirm you!

 

My beautiful niece, Jaasiel. Love at first sight!