Back in the Saddle Again

After 12 weeks of maternity leave, I returned to work this week. At first I was feeling very indifferent about going back. The thought of leaving Evan for the day brought tears to my eyes every time I thought about it. Just when things were getting easier and I was finding my groove with him, I had to head back out into the working world. John and I were having such a good time hanging out with the family and really enjoying summer break. But as the saying goes all good things must come to an end.
My first day back was really hard. I cried while feeding E that morning and the entire way into work. I had to redo my make-up in the car before I even walked in to my office. My sadness was soon replaced by comfort. I work with some of the most amazing people and they were genuinely happy I was back. It felt great to be with my girls again and everyone seemed very welcoming. John even brought Evan up to work for lunch that day, so the day wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. On the drive home that night, I felt a lot better about returning into the working world.
The next day when I was getting ready for work, I didn't cry when feeding Evan and only got choked up a little bit when I had to leave. The day seemed to fly by at work and I was starting to feel like the old me. Before I was trying to figure out my role as a mom, and I only felt like a mom. I felt like I had lost the other parts of me, as weird as that sounds. The rest of the week went by faster than I thought, and by the middle of the week I could leave for work in the morning without choking up at all.
I'll admit there are some things that are definitely different than they were before Evan. Like getting up at 5:30a. Before I would sleep as late as I possibly could and get up around 7:15a. I do feel like I can get more done by getting up early and I'm starting to enjoy the little things that I wouldn't have noticed before. Like the way the first rays of sun come through the blinds in the morning, how fantastic the first sip of coffee is, and how silence really is golden in the house before the hum of the day begins. My absolute favorite thing about the mornings is the way Evan smiles at me with his big gummy grin when I lean over his crib to pick him up.
Pumping at work has also been challenging. I have to make myself get up from my desk to do it, and with my job that isn't always the easiest thing to do. I'm in a profession where you have to be available at all times and things can go from calm to hectic in the blink of an eye. I feel weird getting up with my back pack, that my pump is in, two times a day and going down two flights of stairs to the wellness room to pump in a room that is so cold I feel like my milk is going to freeze on contact.
I don't like the fact that I only get two hours at night to love on my angel during the week, but it makes getting off work that much sweeter. I find myself racing home so I can see his face light up when he sees me. And those two hours are the best couple of hours out of my day. It also makes the weekends that much sweeter.
Even though I wish I didn't have to go back to work because I would love nothing more than to spend my days with Evan, it does feel good to be back in the saddle again.