A New Perspective on life

As I start the next challenge in my parenting life, it has given me a new perspective on life.

Evan is finally old enough that he can start eating solids. I thought I would jump up and down for this day, because it would mean that I wasn't breast feeding and I could get back precious hours a day that have gone to pumping or eating. That hasn't been the case.

For one thing, I second guess what I should be feeding him every day. I did as the doctor's and books recommend at first, and started him off on rice cereal. Which was great, and he seemed to like it. I don't exactly know why he likes it, as I tried a spoonful one day and it’s like eating mushy cardboard. No flavor at all! And even though at first he didn't quite get what to do with the semi solid like food in his mouth, he figured it out soon enough and he got to where he would start grabbing at the spoon to feed himself. Every day I would question if I was mixing the cereal the right way. Was I adding too much milk? too much cereal? Was I stuffing him with too much food? Can he tell me when he's full?

Recently I decided that he had learned and grown enough to move on to real food. Pureed vegetables. Yum! Evan's reaction to this new food was less than thrilling. As I sat down to feed him and he eagerly started to grab at the spoon, at the first taste of the pureed green beans his face said it all. It was absolutely disgusting to him. I kept the experience going by giving him another spoonful after another. Finally he decided it was so disgusting he started gagging. Of course, this brought on a whole new set of worries and questions for me. Am I scarring him for life on vegetables? Is it too early to start these types of solids with him? Should we skip green beans all together?

I had to remind myself that people do this all the time and eventually he will have to eat more than just milk. I also had to put myself in Evan's shoes for a minute. For the first 5 months of his life he was only getting liquid as his main source of nutrition. A liquid that always had the same flavor, and was the same day in and day out. Now, he's getting to use his taste buds. Something he is not even aware he has. I'm sure any food that he tried right away, would have that gross, gagging feel to it. I know when I try something new, I'm hesitant to try it and if it even has a slight weird taste my first reaction is to spit it out or gag.

Another down fall to graduating Evan to solids is I feel like I’m giving up that bonding experience that only I can share with him. As it is, I feel like I don’t get enough time with Evan during the week. I also like having something that only he and I can share. This just means that I’m going to have to come up with a tradition that he and I do and keep with it. I think a part of me is sad that he is getting bigger and before I know it he’s going to be walking around doing his own thing. I’m fine with this as long as he works some time in for his mommy.

The great thing about being a parent is you get to experience the world in a new way. You get to relive all the firsts in life, but with a mature head on your shoulders. Even though I question every move I'm making, it is out of love, and I'm really enjoying getting this second take and new prospective on life. I can't wait to experience the first time Evan slides down a park slide, or the first Christmas morning he realizes Santa has left him presents, or the first day of school.

When One Chapter Ends, Another Begins

With the passing of Labor Day this year, I started to think about all the past summer holiday's and what I normally would have been doing with friends. For Labor Day, it was always the Guadalupe River float and camping. The long weekend was full of beer, friends, and lots of laughs and memories. I started to get kind of bummed out about not having the option to do that this year, when I started to reflect on my life and what it has morphed into now.


I always said that I wasn't going to let having kids change my life, this of course was pre-Evan, but in reality having a baby does change your life and there isn't anything you can do about it. I don't think you can fully realize the impact it has on you and your world until you actually become a parent. My entire world right now revolves around Evan, and I am ok with that. I'm ok with it because of how much he has enriched my life. No, I can't just get up and do what I want when I want to, but I have this tiny human being that loves me unconditionally and that makes my world a better place just for him being in it.

I had my time to party and do what I want, and I will have those times back again when Evan gets older but right now it's time to focus on what matters most and that is family. I can still have fun, just in a different more scheduled way. To tell you the truth I have a blast playing with my son and watching him develop. For example, this weekend I was playing peek-a-boo with Evan and watching him squeal in delight every time I moved my hands and he saw my face. He would belly laugh and that in turn would make me laugh. It melted my heart, and I thought to myself, "I don't want to be anywhere else right now than right here."

So my fun has adapted with me, now instead of staying out all night at a happy hour after early release from work I go and have a quick drink with one of my best friends and make the time really count or go to family friendly bbq's where my son can have fun with me but I can still enjoy some adult time.

It's always a little sad when one chapter in your life ends and a new one begins, because it means you’re growing up and things are changing. This is one change and chapter change that I welcome with open arms, especially if that means that in my arms is my beautiful baby boy that thinks I hang the moon.

Love my two John's

A glimpse of what this next chapter in life holds

Time to reconnect

Since having Evan I feel like all my personal relationships with friends and family have taken a back burner. Its not that I don't want to keep up the relationships, it’s that I don't have the time. Before having kids I told myself I wouldn't be one of those people that let their lives spin out of control and lose touch with the people that I once spent my nights and weekends with, but in reality it just happens.


During the work week, I barely have enough energy to get home and take care of Evan and myself, let alone worry about someone else. I have a small window each day on my way home from work to talk on the phone and catch up, but as soon as I walk in the door I kick into my second job of being a mom. Plus, since I don't get to spend much time with E during the week I want to devote my entire energy and being to him.

The weekends are then spent running the errands I couldn't get to during the week and just being with the family.

I'm hoping juggling my personal relationships gets easier with time, but right now I'm doing the best I can to just keep up. Plus, I figured if people are my true friends/family they will understand and it won't affect our relationship. I guess it will be a big test on who the real genuine people are in my life. So, to my friends that read this please accept my apology now for neglecting you. I'll figure this mom thing out soon enough and be back to the old me soon enough.

If only I had known

I’ve decided that there are a lot of things they don’t tell you about parenting and having a baby when you are a first time parent. So, I decided to make a list of these things so I can pass these little known truths along to all the new moms I know.


Labor & Delivery
1. After giving birth your stomach will be very sore. I’m not sure if this is because you’ve carried a basketball around for 9 months or what, but I could barely stand the pressure of the sheets on my stomach the next day.

2. If you have your baby vaginally, you will have your period anywhere from a month to 6 weeks.

3. The hardest part with labor (if an epidural is involved) is the pushing. They make you hold your breath while you push and I thought I was going to pass out.

4. The needle for the epidural really doesn’t hurt. I think this is because by the time you need one the pain from your contractions makes the needle seem like a light poke.

5. You will get nauseous from all of the pain meds and hormones while in labor. So be sure to eat a good meal before you go into the hospital because they will only give you ice chips to suck on while you are in the hospital and in labor.
Nursing

1. This is a HUGE commitment and one that can only come out of love, so be prepared to spend lots of time nursing and pumping (which means getting up earlier and going to be later during the day).

2. You still have to watch what you eat and drink because it can be passed to the baby. I couldn’t eat leafy greens, broccoli, sushi, and certain cheeses. I also couldn’t go 100% back to my caffeine consumption.

3. When you are feeding or pumping out of one breast the other one will leak, so have a towel or disposable feeding pad ready.

4. You still cannot lay on your stomach at night because your breast fill up with milk and will leak all over the place, that, and its very uncomfortable.

5. Just the thought of your baby will cause your breast to leak, so invest in lots of disposable pads.

6. If you drink a lot of alcohol the night before, you will probably need to test your milk and dump it.

7. Pumping and dumping will not clear your milk of alcohol. Your body filters the alcohol through your breast milk like it does the rest of your body.

All about baby

1. Your baby will sneeze a lot the first few weeks of life because their nervous system is still developing. There is nothing wrong with your baby.

2. If after a month your baby isn’t sleeping at least 4 hours at a time, try swaddling or talk to your doctor about acid reflux. We didn’t find out these helpful tid bits until E was about a month and half and it saved my sanity once we did.

3. People will tell you that you can’t put a baby on a schedule and they are lying. The quicker you can get one in place the better for you. Even if your baby doesn’t react right away keep it up, do the same night time routine or feeding routine. Eventually they will pick it up and expect it.

I’ll update this list as I think of things, but I thought this was a good start.

Guilt trip

Now that I am back at work and away from Evan for 12 hours a day, the guilt of being a working mom is starting to kick in. I only get to spend a couple of hours with him at night after I get home before he starts getting tired and I have to put him down to bed. Sometimes I don't even get 2 hours with him depending on how tired he is. This breaks my heart because I just want to sit and cuddle with him all night long. I feel like I'm not being a good mom if I don't spend time with him.
During the day John and his mom send me pics of him playing or hanging out and it tugs at my heart strings. I want to be the one that is home with him making him smile for the camera. I almost feel a twinge of resentment that they are spending time with my son and I'm not. Growing up my mom seemed to always put work before us and I still feel the burn of that. I wanted her to come to my games or to my school's get togethers, but she always had to work. Of course the older I got the more I understood she only did that to give my sister and I the best life possible. I don't remember ever wanting for anything material wise, but I did want my mom and sometimes I couldn't have that. I made a vow to myself that I would never let my kids feel that way and in a way I feel like I'm already breaking that vow. Can you be a working mom and still be there for your kids? I know a lot of moms do it, but I don't want to miss a thing!
On the drive home tonight from work I got a call from John saying that Evan had learned to roll completely over. This is a big milestone (I know there are many more to come) and I missed it. I don't know why, but I actually teared up when I found out about it. On one hand I was happy he learned this new feat, and on the other I was sad I wasn't there to witness it for the first time. Instead, I had to settle with seeing it via the video recording John took of him doing it. How many other firsts am I going to miss because I am at work?
There are also times when I do get home from work and I go to say hi and kiss and hug Evan and he will either ignore me or start crying. I know babies can be finicky, but it breaks my heart. Is he forgetting who I am because I'm gone so long during the day? Can he already get upset with me that I'm not around? Will he love his nana more than me since he sees her every day? These are the crazy questions that go through my mind when I'm feeling this working mom guilt trip. I don't like feeling this way, but I keep telling myself I'm bettering my family's life and that one day when Evan's older he will understand. It still hurts and I still feel like a big bag of poop about it. I keep saying I need to win the lottery, so I'm going to keep playing it. Then I can love on and spend as much time as I went with E and not have one guilty feeling.

Oh Where Oh Where Has All The Fun Gone?

As most of you know John went out of town this weekend to San Antonio for a coaches convention. I know there is some sort of learning going on, but really its just an excuse for all the coaches in Texas to get together and have fun. That fun usually comes in the form of alcohol on the river walk or on the golf course, which is fine, but I started thinking  about the last time I had fun and couldn't even recall the last time I just let loose. I'm talking about the kind of fun that when you wake up the next day you have to replay the events back in your head to make sure you didn't forget anything. The kind of fun where you don't have a care in the world and you feel fancy free.
I understand that now that I'm a mom that kind of fun won't be as often as it was before Evan, but I'm still young and I still want to have fun. Cindy Loper even had it right when she said, "Girls just want to have fun!" I then started thinking that even if I did have the opportunity to have fun, could I really?? One of the major down falls to breast feeding is you still have to watch what you eat and drink. So, I have to ask myself if that one drink really worth pumping and dumping for. Most of the time the answer is no. I also have to ask myself is it worth the headache the next morning when Evan is demanding all of my time and energy and the answer again is no.
Now that I'm back at work I'm also struggling with finding the energy to stay awake past 10 o'clock. I'm constantly calculating the number of hours of sleep I can get if I go to bed at a certain time each night. Which that math alone usually makes me nod off. I remember in college when I could get by on 4 hours of sleep, and often did, and felt fine the next morning. When did I turn into this old woman that cares about the number of zz's I catch?? I'm really hoping things get easier and my energy comes back to me and I can hang out til midnight on the weekend.
I wouldn't mind one night a month though when I can look no in the face and tell it to get lost because I'm going to have fun. I might have to make that my mission. So anyone that wants to join me for my night of fun let me know. Keep in mind you might have to nudge me a time or two to keep me awake, but I will try to hang like I used to.

Back in the Saddle Again

After 12 weeks of maternity leave, I returned to work this week. At first I was feeling very indifferent about going back. The thought of leaving Evan for the day brought tears to my eyes every time I thought about it. Just when things were getting easier and I was finding my groove with him, I had to head back out into the working world. John and I were having such a good time hanging out with the family and really enjoying summer break. But as the saying goes all good things must come to an end.
My first day back was really hard. I cried while feeding E that morning and the entire way into work. I had to redo my make-up in the car before I even walked in to my office. My sadness was soon replaced by comfort. I work with some of the most amazing people and they were genuinely happy I was back. It felt great to be with my girls again and everyone seemed very welcoming. John even brought Evan up to work for lunch that day, so the day wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. On the drive home that night, I felt a lot better about returning into the working world.
The next day when I was getting ready for work, I didn't cry when feeding Evan and only got choked up a little bit when I had to leave. The day seemed to fly by at work and I was starting to feel like the old me. Before I was trying to figure out my role as a mom, and I only felt like a mom. I felt like I had lost the other parts of me, as weird as that sounds. The rest of the week went by faster than I thought, and by the middle of the week I could leave for work in the morning without choking up at all.
I'll admit there are some things that are definitely different than they were before Evan. Like getting up at 5:30a. Before I would sleep as late as I possibly could and get up around 7:15a. I do feel like I can get more done by getting up early and I'm starting to enjoy the little things that I wouldn't have noticed before. Like the way the first rays of sun come through the blinds in the morning, how fantastic the first sip of coffee is, and how silence really is golden in the house before the hum of the day begins. My absolute favorite thing about the mornings is the way Evan smiles at me with his big gummy grin when I lean over his crib to pick him up.
Pumping at work has also been challenging. I have to make myself get up from my desk to do it, and with my job that isn't always the easiest thing to do. I'm in a profession where you have to be available at all times and things can go from calm to hectic in the blink of an eye. I feel weird getting up with my back pack, that my pump is in, two times a day and going down two flights of stairs to the wellness room to pump in a room that is so cold I feel like my milk is going to freeze on contact.
I don't like the fact that I only get two hours at night to love on my angel during the week, but it makes getting off work that much sweeter. I find myself racing home so I can see his face light up when he sees me. And those two hours are the best couple of hours out of my day. It also makes the weekends that much sweeter.
Even though I wish I didn't have to go back to work because I would love nothing more than to spend my days with Evan, it does feel good to be back in the saddle again.