Daycare or Not To Daycare- That Is the Question

Now that Evan is 16 months and can walk and eat almost anything, we find ourselves in a major parenting intersection. Should we put Evan in daycare or not? I for one thought this decision was going to be easy when we got to this point in Evan's life, but it's far from it.


On one hand I want Evan to learn the social aspect of life that daycare can bring. How to interact with kids his age, share toys, and learn from his surroundings. I'd like him to see that there is life outside the walls of our house and his nana's. I constantly question if I'm teaching or showing him the right things to set up him up for a successful future. Should I be reading more books? Singing more songs? Exploring more with him? These questions may seem silly but they eat me up inside. I want the best for Evan and want him to have every opportunity that life can give him.

Right now John's mom watches Evan, which has been a blessing. It was comforting going back to work after maternity leave knowing he was in such loving hands. I love getting my daily picture text of Evan from Patricia (a.k.a nana) and hearing how their day went at the end of each work day. However, with that has come a personal struggle. Grandparents are known to spoil their grandchildren and that theory has proven true with us. It's also been a different situation since it's John's mom watching E on how I deal with conflicts that arise. I have to walk a very thin line, which can be tricky sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change or move that line for anything but it can be challenging.

So when the day came that John and I realized that Evan could go to daycare I thought the decision would be an easy one, but I'm finding it hard to let go. Now that E is older he is very aware of strangers and does not hesitate to shake his head no or start crying if he doesn't like you or want you around him. For instance, we tried getting back involved in our church and taking Evan to the church daycare so we could go to the Sunday morning service. When we would drop him off they would give us a pager that goes off in case something goes wrong and they need you to come back to the nursery. Every single Sunday for a month straight the pager would go off and I would head to where he was only to find him hysterically bawling, face red, sweating, and scared to death. You can only imagine how that made me feel. I worry that transitioning Evan to daycare will be a really difficult one for him. And I know this sounds extreme but I wonder if the change/move will scar him for life (hey, I didn't say that my concerns weren't irrational).

Evan is also one of the lightest sleepers I know. In fact, we have to turn a fan on in his room when we put him down to sleep because any little noise will wake him up and sleep time will be over. You can only imagine how little sleep John and I got when he was sleeping in his bassinet in our room when he was a newborn. So, when I found out that all of the kids have nap time where they are to fall asleep on a mat I thought to myself there is no way in hell that is happening for Evan. My mind started racing instantly wondering if my child would ever nap again. And for all the mom's out there we know how little sleep can affect the mood of our child. Evan, for one, grows a second head that snares and growls at you. It's quite scary!

I'm not so irrational to not know that thousands of kids have made this transition and at some point Evan will get used to it. It's that initial hump that keeps me up at night, scared to make the move.

If it's this hard to make a parenting decision now, I'm scared of the decisions I'm going to have to make when Evan's in high school. I can only hope and pray that over the years we make the best decisions for Evan. So the next time you see me and half my head is full of grey hair, you know why!

Head Bangers Ball

As Evan gets older his behavior sometimes perplexes me. There have been several times that he's done something that catches me so off guard or comes out of the blue that I just stop and stare at him and wonder if he is from this planet. His latest odd behavior happens any time that he gets mad. He will find the nearest hard object, whether it be the tile floor, a wall, or my knee (yay me!) and start banging his head on it. And when I say banging, I'm not talking about light little taps I mean the kind that leaves little red circles on his head and sometimes light bruises. This is especially fun when we have to go out in public and people ask what happened to his head. How do you explain that your child has anger management issues and likes to inflict pain on himself without seeming like you've spawned a devil baby??

When he first did this I thought maybe it was on accident or he was just so frustrated he didn't know what to do. But after the 10th time I started to worry that something was really wrong with him. I mean who does that!?!? So, yesterday I took Evan in for his 15 month check up and decided to bring it up to his doctor to get her input. Much to my relief she said it was very normal for toddlers to do this and not to worry (easier said than done). She explained that Evan is realizing every day his independence and that he has a choice on what he can do, which doesn't always align with what John and I want him to do. Since his vocabulary only consists of a few words the only other way he knows how to communicate is through his actions. The doctor then asked if he gets a reaction out of me when he does start banging his head, which I replied yes to. I mean, I don't want him to knock himself out or do something even more serious like give himself brain damage. The doctor suggested that I ignore that behavior next time because all I'm doing is reinforcing negative behavior by giving him the attention he wants. She explained that after he sees that nothing will come out him acting that way and after he hits his head hard enough he'll stop doing it.

At that very moment a light went off in my head, and I felt stupid. Why didn't I think of this? And what else am I doing that is reinforcing bad behavior? Geesh, this parenting thing can be hard!!

As if Evan understood what the doctor told me, that night he decided to test me. I took him upstairs to give him his bath before bed like we do every night. However, he decided he didn't want to go to bed and wanted to still play, which brought on a monumental temper tantrum. As expected, he started banging his head on the bathroom tile all while crying at the top of his lungs. Normally I would have picked him up and tried to comfort him but Dr. Smart's words were ringing in my ears so I walked out of the bathroom and into the game room. As you can imagine that only made him more mad so he walked into the game room and threw himself on the floor and started banging his head again. So, I walked into his bedroom and didn't even make eye contact. This happened two more times before he decided to give up and just sit there and cry. Once he calmed down a little I got down on the floor next to him and explained that it was bath time and he could play tomorrow. What a difference that made! He calmed down and even crawled in my lap for a hug! To that I thought, maybe this parenting thing isn't that hard after all (I kid, I kid!)

I got the fever!

I thought it would take me a whole other year before I said these words, but I have baby fever! The weird thing is it just crept up on me like a thief in the night. One day I was wondering if I'd ever want to have a second child and the next I had this overwhelming desire to give Evan a little brother or sister.

I'm not sure why my feelings and desire on baby #2 has changed. Perhaps it's the crazy amount of women having babies right now. I feel like every day I see a picture on facebook or get an announcement in the mail of a new life that was brought into this world. Or maybe it's the fact that I've finally settled (as much as possible) into being a mom. Evan brings me so much joy and love that it's addicting and I want to keep the feelings around forever. It may also be the fact that I'm turning 31 in a few months, which is not old by any means, but when you start thinking about the length of time it can take to conceive added on top of the 9 months of pregnancy I'll be close to 32 or 33. And since my cut off age for having kids is 35, I feel Father Time tapping on his wrist looking at his watch for me. Especially if we want to keep a third child an option (right now it isn't, so everyone can breathe a sigh of relief).

I also started thinking that I want Evan close to his brother or sister and I really feel the more years between ages the harder it is to relate to one another. I know there are instances that will prove me wrong, but given my own personal experience I'm convinced of this. I'm also not a big fan of the newborn stage so would like to move past it as soon as possible while I'm a spry young thing (insert eye roll here).

John has been a fantastic father and seeing him interact with Evan melts my heart. I'll just be a big ol' pile of putty for baby #2 and I can't wait! So, we may start trying within the next couple of months and see if God will bless us with a second angel. Hopefully we will be so lucky!

Here are some pictures from our first family vacation, that I love.

Evan's first time in the ocean and he loved it

How cute is this!?! Love those boys!

Not the daddy!

I know that there is a time in every child's life where they prefer one parent over the other. I wasn't expecting that time to pop up as early as birth. Every since Evan was a newborn he has shown favoritism towards John. At first it was cooing or smiling for John unlike he did for me and I wasn't sure if I was imagining things or not (lack of sleep will do that to you). Now it is very obvious that he prefers John over me.

He will reach for John to hold him when I'm holding him. When John walks in the door his face lights up and he'll drop everything he is doing with me and crawl as fast as he can over to John like he hasn't seen him in years. I can't count the number of times I've offered him something and he's shook his head at me only to have him take it from John when he offers it. I find it endearing most of the time, but there are days when it hurts my feelings a little bit. After all, I am the one the carried him around in my bell for 9 months and gave up countless hours to breastfeeding in the middle of the night when he woke up. I'm not bitter at all….really!

The only time Evan prefers me over John is when he is sick. He only wants me to hold him and rock him to sleep. And even though when he's sick it's tough on us all, I love the fact that it's me, and only me, that he wants.

His preference of John reminds me of that old show that used to come on Friday nights called Dinosaurs. The baby dinosaur's famous line was "not the mamma!" and then he would hit whoever he was telling that too on the head. Evan has resorted to hitting me on the head quite yet, but if this keeps up that may be next.

I keep hearing how boys love their momma's and will always be momma's boys, so I'm waiting to see if that will be the truth our house. Either way I'll love him with all my might and hope he comes around to seeing who the real cool parent is….which is me!

Is string cheese and hot dogs all you got?

I've decided to dedicate this blog entry to food. No, not for all the food I love or the great dishes that are out there for everyone to try. This is for all the food my son won't eat. I've read articles and seen books on how to get your picky kid to try new things, but I'm almost certain that they haven't met Evan. Anytime I give him anything new. And by new I mean anything that isn't a hot dog, string cheese, peanut butter toast, grapes or chicken. So, as you can see that leaves a lot of things out there that Evan doesn't like.

At first I thought I could be tricky and sneak things onto his plate without him noticing. WRONG! When I do that he kind of gives me this who-are-you-trying-to-kid look and promptly throws the food on the floor. Fun!

I've tried combining foods so it has a familiar taste but different ingredients. For example, the one I was most proud of was cauliflower that I steamed and made like mashed potatoes with cheese. Who would turn that down? Um, that would be Evan! He acted like I gave him poison and dug the cauliflower concoction out of his mouth and threw it on the floor. More fun!

What gets me is he doesn't even try the entire bite of food. He judges by the first second it hits his tongue, and if he doesn't like it (which is 99.9% of the time) he will take it out of his mouth and banish it to the floor. I almost picture him doing an Italian accent when he does it while saying "get outta here" in his best mafia voice. That is then followed by the who-are-you-trying-to-kid look. How am I supposed to get him to try new things when he won't even give it a try?

I worry with his limited palate he isn't getting the nutrition he needs and that he is going to grow up and become the Oscar Myer spokesman. To over compensate I feed him fruit (the only thing he loves completely) and milk like it's going out of style, which I'm sure if I look hard enough I can find something that is wrong with that. Sigh!

The only thing I can hope for is that he will grow out of this stage and come to love normal kid food, like pizza and mac and cheese. Until then, you'll find me in the grocery isle stocking up on hotdogs and string cheese.

Feeling like me again

These past 13 months have been a whirlwind of excitement, emotion, and adjustment and even though it's been a little over a year since I had Evan, it's taken me that long to start to feel like myself again. The one thing I never fully understood is how much having a baby will change your life and you. I think this is more so for the moms because they go through 9 months of being pregnant. The crazy influx of hormones and changes in your body does something to you that I can't even explain. It's a wonderful thing, and I wouldn't change it for the world but it's also different and comes with its ups and downs.


I feel like the last year has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I was trying to adjust to my new life of being a new mom, working, and trying to keep in touch with the friends that I love (to which I'll admit I wasn't the best at). The day I had Evan it was like a light switch was flipped and I didn't feel the same about things. I saw the world in a different light, and I still do. But, only a few weeks ago I started feeling like my old self again. I finally feel like I got a grasp on this parenting thing, although I'm still thrown for loops and will continue to be I'm sure.

I don't quite know how to explain it but the light switch that was flipped seems to be evening out again. Which makes it hard for me when I start to think about baby #2. Am I ready to go through everything again? Can I love another child like I love Evan? Will I ever have time for John and I again after #2? What will happen to my friendships?

All these questions bounce around in my head and I'll admit it makes me nervous to add to our family. I want Evan to have a brother or a sister and to experience that sibling bond. When I get around other babies I feel my biological clock ticking and find myself wanting another one. Then there are nights that I think to myself, things just started getting easy again do I really want to go through the newborn stage again? If it took me a year to feel normal again after one child, will it take two years after the second?

I know the man upstairs has a master plan for all of us, so I'm going to leave it up to him. I'm going to enjoy this new stage my family and I are moving into and most of all enjoy being me again!

Did I spawn Satan himself?

With Evan's year birthday came changes that I'm not sure I'm quite ready for. My once angelic sweet little boy is turning into an independent and strong willed little boy. To which I am constantly telling him no or trying to divert his attention to something else. Sometimes it works, but sometimes his momma's gene of turning into a crazy mad person comes out and he turns red with anger and the temper tantrum begins. I thought I had another year before that started. Isn't there something called the "terrible twos"?? The craziest thing about Evan's anger is it is evident at just one glance at him. His face and eyebrows turn red, and I swear his lips snarl and for a second you might think, "Is he going to bit me?" That all happens in seconds followed by what I can only describe as pure madness.....a temper tantrum.


His temper tantrums are insane. He throws himself back and it looks like some evil force has taken over his body and he flails around on the floor. And if that doesn't get your attention he will then start banging his head on the floor just too really let you know he isn't playing. He then goes into that silent cry that I've only experienced when I'm in extreme pain, the kind that knocks the breath right out of you. The first couple of times I heard this cry with his tantrums I freaked out because I thought he really hurt himself, but soon realized its all part of his game to get you to give into him. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!

Anything can invoke one of these crazy tantrums and I still get a little bit baffled by them. The only true remedy I've found is to put Evan in his crib in his room and walk away, not showing any reaction. At first the shrieks that come from his room from being ignored can really pull on my heart strings, but soon after I realize that true love is setting boundaries and letting him know that I'm the adult. My reasoning usually wins out and a few minutes later he'll calm down and turn back into my sweet little angel. As I go and get him from his room to let him know that I still love him, I can't help but think "did I spawn Satan himself"? But as soon as he wraps his arms around me and puts his head on my shoulder I realize he's not Satan just a little boy realizing his independence and trying to learn the world around him.