What the hell have I gotten myself into??

Earlier this week John and I started our Child birth preparation class. I signed up for this class hoping it was going to ease my anxiety about giving birth and being responsible for this little life we are about to have. The class covers everything from labor to breastfeeding to important things to know when you bring the baby home. The class meets once a week for 2 hours for the next six weeks to cover everything. A great class for first time parents right?! That's what I thought.


The first couple of classes cover nothing but labor, which is great because that is what I'm most petrified of. The instructor had us watch up video on natural child birth that literally scared the crap out of me. While I was watching the video I had this sudden urge to burst out into laughter or to start bawling. You know those uncomfortable moments when your body doesn't know how to react so both emotions hit you at the same time. As the video went through each stage of labor (there are 3 by the way) I felt my anxiety growing and growing. In fact I found the video to be a bit on the repulsive side. I know a lot of people out there think child birth is a beautiful thing and it is in a way. It's beautiful that you get this amazing child out of it that you will love forever. The not so beautiful thing is the actual process of giving birth. I shudder just thinking about it.

When the video was over the instructor started going into more detail about the process that took me from being repulsed to being scared beyond words. I was thinking to myself the entire time, I don't want to do this!! I mean why couldn't men have the challenge of giving birth?? They are stronger; they have a higher pain tolerance, and most of the time love and the guts and blood scary stuff. It's not for me and I'm wondering if I'm going to survive Evan's birth. I know women have done this for years, and have survived but that doesn’t' mean I will. I don't have a high pain tolerance and I don't want to lose it in front of everyone.

I had nightmares that night after class about being in labor and I'm nervous about our next class. I keep telling myself it will get better and I have to come to terms with this. I have no choice. I'm just going to keep giving myself pep talks and praying that I don't have a hard labor. The things we do for our kids, and mine isn't even here yet!